Chapter 40

What kind of existence was the He Lezhi of the past to Han Fangchi?

He made it so that for the next ten-plus years, whenever Han Fangchi talked about high school with anyone, the memories in his mind were always warm, colored by sunlight. He made those three tedious and arduous years, filled with classes and self-study, become light and soft.

Perhaps it was He Lezhi himself who was light and soft. At a dinner gathering before, a table of people reminisced about the past. He Lezhi wasn't there at the time. Xiao Yao had drunk too much and said woozily, "Let's not talk about this. Leaving home at six in the morning every day, not getting back until after ten-thirty at night, living like that day after day, with only intermittent breaks on weekends, it was so damn hopeless, especially in the third year of high school. I got through my third year entirely because Lezhi coaxed me to study. He'd coax me to go to school every day with a smile, and after school at night, he'd say to me, 'See you tomorrow, Yaoyao.' For a while, he even called me often in the morning, saying he'd brought me breakfast so I wouldn't be late."

After speaking, he looked up and around, asking, "Where's Lezhi?"

Someone else said, "Lezhi didn't come."

"He didn't come again," Xiao Yao pouted, looking at Han Fangchi and saying, "I miss Lezhi."

During that period, Zhou Muyao was in Beijing, so He Lezhi generally didn't go out. Xiao Yao hadn't seen him for a long time, so when the topic of high school came up, he couldn't help but miss him. The He Lezhi of their school days could make everyone around him feel at ease, possessing a soothing, healing quality.

If even Xiao Yao felt that way, Han Fangchi's feelings were only deeper.

Xiao Yao needed to be coaxed to go to school, but Han Fangchi didn't. He just felt that those three years of high school were spent under He Lezhi's watch. He Lezhi would make everyone he cared about feel comfortable. He watched over his friends, looking after them with sensitivity and delicacy. And they all knew, Xiao Yao was only second in line.

The first priority in He Lezhi's friendships, Han Fangchi occupied that spot for seven years.

This was also the source of Han Fangchi's indescribable emotions at the beginning of their respective romantic relationships.

His sense of loss during that time didn't stem from He Lezhi being in a relationship, but from the fact that He Lezhi's partner was Zhou Muyao.

Before being lovers, Zhou Muyao was first a friend. He and He Lezhi had been friends for over two years before they started dating. So, beyond their romantic love, the first priority in He Lezhi's friendships seemed to have naturally shifted with the establishment of their relationship—a spot that had belonged to Han Fangchi for many years prior.

Of course, the Han Fangchi of that time couldn't sort through and accurately express these things; he only felt that he had lost a lot.

For many years after, they each existed at a distance that was neither far nor near. Han Fangchi watched as He Lezhi grew more mature and rational, the childish and lively traits in him gradually disappearing. For working adults, this distance was understandable; each had their own life. It was just that among their many friends, their relationship had been closer.

And when Han Fangchi saw He Lezhi, who had come for a tooth extraction, in Director Wang's consultation area last year, Han Fangchi's feelings in those few seconds were complex. There was actually a lot he could have said, but in the end, all that came out was a single "He Lezhi."

In that instant, Han Fangchi viscerally understood that over so many years, he had truly lost the best friend of his youth.

The thirty-year-old He Lezhi was, to Han Fangchi, not entirely the same as he once was.

Last year, they deliberately, slowly, and carefully repaired a friendship that had been distant for many years. Guided by familiarity and tacit understanding, they quickly returned to their former positions, the friendship neatly falling back into place.

But in this process, they both overlooked one thing: they were no longer completely the same people they were over a decade ago.

The closing of the distance allowed them to see each other up close. From a matured perspective, the sense of unfamiliarity brought by their different traits from the past also meant they weren't actually just "former friends." Rather than a repair, it was more like a reshaping of a relationship.

Two people who had deviated from their former selves simultaneously invested too much, ultimately reshaping their relationship into one that had also deviated from the past.

In such a situation, to silently pull back and overturn everything that had been reshaped without alarming the other person was impossible.

He Lezhi stood where he was, not going over immediately. He took a deep breath, smiled, and said, "What are we talking about that requires the lights to be off?"

"If you want to talk with the lights on, that's fine too," Han Fangchi said calmly. "I'm just afraid you won't dare to look at me if the lights are too bright."

He Lezhi subconsciously closed his eyes. Only two words were in his mind, 'It's over.'

"Come here," Han Fangchi said.

He Lezhi walked over and sat on the tatami mat.

"You're making me so nervous," He Lezhi cleared his throat and said jokingly. "It's like you're about to pass judgment on me. Did I do something wrong?"

"No." Han Fangchi also sat down and handed him a spoon.

They both simultaneously remembered the cake they ate when Han Fangchi stayed over at He Lezhi's house in their second year of high school. He Lezhi smiled and said, "You waited until He Qi left to bring out the cake. Is it reasonable for the two of us to eat it behind her back?"

Han Fangchi said, "We can eat it together again next time."

He Lezhi scooped up some mango and ate it. The cream wasn't very sweet, but He Lezhi felt his throat tighten.

"Happy birthday," Han Fangchi said.

He Lezhi smiled and said, "Thanks. You really don't have to make up for it. I'm not a kid, I don't make a big deal out of birthdays."

Han Fangchi didn't eat. He silently watched He Lezhi take a few bites before speaking, "I'm making it up because I need today to be a new starting point."

He Lezhi heard him say in a deep voice, "Everything from the past, all of it, I hope it remains completely in the time before you turned thirty-one."

He Lezhi's hand paused. He finally raised his head and looked at Han Fangchi.

"You've been avoiding me recently." Han Fangchi's eyes were dark and deep, fixed on He Lezhi. "Why?"

He Lezhi was glad the lights were off. Even in such dim light, he didn't dare to meet Han Fangchi's gaze.

Before he could say "I haven't," Han Fangchi said, "There's no need to lie about anything we say today. Lying is useless between us."

He Lezhi closed his mouth. He felt like he had been backed into a corner with no way out.

"Actually..." Han Fangchi pondered for a moment, then looked at He Lezhi and said, "I've always been a bit slow in this regard, not that sharp. I've been thinking back carefully lately, going back month by month, from when I ran into you at the hospital to now, this past year... when did things start to be different? But I couldn't pinpoint a specific time. Maybe it was when you moved in next to me, or maybe even before that."

"Fangchi—" He Lezhi called out his name, trying to interrupt him.

Han Fangchi continued, "I can be sure that I had no ulterior motives at first, but by the last hiking trip, when I opened my eyes in the morning and you were looking at me, things were already different then. Although I didn't realize it at the time."

He Lezhi put the spoon down. It slid off the tray, landing on the tea table with a soft "clack."

He didn't dare to listen anymore.

"Fangchi," He Lezhi's voice trembled slightly. "We can't talk about this anymore."

"You just have to listen," Han Fangchi said.

"I can't listen," He Lezhi said, looking at him.

Han Fangchi continued speaking, "After that, I always thought about that morning. Almost every day before I wake up and open my eyes, I'd hope..."

He paused, as if finding it difficult to say.

"...that you'd be looking at me, or that I could see you."

"Fangchi," He Lezhi called his name in a panic. "We can't say these things to each other."

"Why?" Han Fangchi asked.

"There's no why," He Lezhi said.

"I'm not going to force you today, so don't be so flustered," Han Fangchi said.

Han Fangchi spoke slowly, as if thinking as he talked. There was no sense of pressure; he was gentle and relaxed.

He Lezhi's heart was beating fast from nervousness and panic. He asked, "Fangchi, you once said you had to do better than others, remember?"

Han Fangchi retorted, "So just because I'm in a relationship, I'm not doing well?"

"Yes," He Lezhi said affirmatively.

Han Fangchi asked again, "A normal relationship is fine, but a gay one isn't?"

He Lezhi said, "Yes."

"Then there's nothing to be done," Han Fangchi said stubbornly. "It's already like this. If I were to go date and marry a girl now, just think what that would be."

He Lezhi was speechless, unable to utter a single word of rebuttal.

"I've never talked to you about relationships before; I don't really like talking about this stuff," Han Fangchi said again. "When Xiao Quan'er and I hadn't broken up, I wanted to marry her, build a family, and I looked forward to a lot in the future. All of that was real."

"That's the life you were supposed to live," He Lezhi said.

"For a long time after we broke up, I really didn't want to be in a relationship. Besides not being over it, I had no interest in getting to know someone from scratch, slowly understanding them, and discussing marriage."

He looked at He Lezhi. "Me and Xiao Quan'er, you and Xiao Hei, if even one of us hadn't broken up, things wouldn't be like this today. But there are no ifs. It's true that you and I can't go back, and this is true too."

He Lezhi's palms were sweating, his fingertips ice-cold.

"What are you planning to do about Xiao Hei?" he asked in a hoarse voice.

"Doesn't matter," Han Fangchi said. "I can probably guess what you're thinking, but those aren't things you should be considering. My family, Xiao Hei, our friends, or anything else I haven't thought of yet—none of those are your problems to consider."

As time slowly passed, more and more lights turned on in the building opposite them. The moon gradually rose higher, and the moonlight grew brighter.

They became clearer in each other's eyes, their features becoming more completely defined.

Compared to before, the confusion in Han Fangchi's gaze had vanished. He had become resolute and deeper. He was locked on He Lezhi, yet his eyes were gentle.

"I just figured this out a few days ago. I probably shouldn't be talking to you about this right now," Han Fangchi said. "But you keep trying to avoid me."

He Lezhi was out of words. He couldn't win an argument against Han Fangchi at all. His mind was a chaotic mess, and he couldn't think of anything else to say.

"It annoys me when you avoid me, so let's just be direct."

At the end of the day, Han Fangchi stood up, but he didn't leave right away.

He walked over to He Lezhi's side and squatted down, meeting the seated He Lezhi's gaze at eye level.

They were simply too familiar with each other. Even after the conversation they just had, they were both still holding back. The heaviest thing Han Fangchi had said was that he wanted to see He Lezhi every day when he opened his eyes.

But now, right before leaving, he called out to He Lezhi with a smile. He didn't use his name, just a soft "Hey."

He Lezhi turned his head to look at him. He could see him clearly. After tonight's conversation, looking at Han Fangchi, he couldn't help but feel a sense of dislocation.

There was a smile in Han Fangchi's eyes, and he seemed a bit embarrassed. "Do you like me?"

The most direct question of the night was suddenly asked so bluntly to his face. He Lezhi's eyes widened, the breath caught in his throat, stuck.

He was unable to speak for a long while.

Han Fangchi was very close to him, a smile constantly on his face. This was completely different from the impression He Lezhi usually had of him. Once a person was touched by love, their whole aura changed.

"You can't lie, and you don't dare to answer, right?" Han Fangchi asked with a smile.

He Lezhi opened his mouth, but instead of answering, he asked, "Han Fangchi, have you gone crazy?"

Han Fangchi laughed out loud. "Then don't answer."

He looked at He Lezhi and said, "I'll give you time to process this, no rush. I also need time to adjust. I'm not yet skilled at switching from a friend's perspective to another one."

After saying that, he added, dropping his smile and speaking seriously, "But you have to process it right here, wait right here. Don't avoid me. Avoiding me is useless."

He Lezhi was already numb. He said self-deprecatingly, "Where else can I hide... My home is right here."

"As long as you know."

Han Fangchi stood up, bent down to pick up the unused spoon, scooped a spoonful from the spot He Lezhi had just eaten from, and put it in his mouth. He placed the spoon back on the tray.

"Happy birthday." Han Fangchi stood up straight and casually ruffled his hair. "You're thirty-one today."

He Lezhi felt like a tangled animal as he ruffled his hair.

"If you can't finish the cake, put it in the fridge. I'll eat it tomorrow." Han Fangchi turned around, went over, and flicked on the light. "I'm leaving."

The light flashed on in an instant. Everything that had just happened in the dimness felt like an ambiguous, hazy dream.

From the moment the door opened until it closed again, He Lezhi didn't dare to look at him.

Author's note:

Since one of them is already getting serious, we've reached my favorite stage, hehe.

I wrote this setting specifically for the push-and-pull and the ambiguous phase, and this push-and-pull will have to go on for a while. I know you're all anxious, but being anxious won't help, hehe.