Hurting Others, Hurting Oneself

Jiang Xu was too hard-hearted; he had rarely regretted anything in his life. As he watched Gu Qingzhou's hands, hanging at his sides, slowly tighten until the veins on their backs popped, he suddenly realized that the other's joy and elation were like bubbles, bursting with a single poke. And he himself was that hateful needle.

For a moment, Jiang Xu couldn't say a word. He looked at Gu Qingzhou, his fingertips twitching, as if he wanted to pull him into an embrace to comfort him, but in the end, he did nothing. "...I want to reconsider our relationship."

Jiang Xu's expression was calm, revealing none of his inner emotions. You could call him indifferent, or you could call him serious. "The money is yours. Take it back first. Gu Qingzhou, give me some time. I'll think carefully about the relationship between us."

Jiang Xu probably didn't realize that the way he looked right now was exactly like when he had initiated their breakup back then, leaving no room for negotiation.

The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. The clamor of the rain outside seeped through the window, hazy and unreal. Hearing his words, Gu Qingzhou held his breath, his eyelids trembling slightly as if he was forcibly holding something back. When he could bear it no longer, he finally took a breath and said in a low, hoarse voice, "...Take the card back, and I'll pretend you never said anything."

Jiang Xu didn't move. His mind was also in turmoil, and he could only repeat what he had just said. "Gu Qingzhou, I'm serious. Give me a few days to think it over properly."

To Gu Qingzhou's ears, these words were just a rejection in disguise.

In high school, Jiang Xu had said he'd consider it, but Gu Qingzhou waited at the basketball court for a whole day and never saw him. When they broke up, Jiang Xu had also said he'd consider it, but all Gu Qingzhou received was still a rejection, with no other possible answer.

He had once fallen into an abyss, so despairing that he didn't have a shred of strength left, unable to take even a single step. It had taken him five years to crawl out, covered in mud. He thought he had grasped a sliver of hope, only to be pushed back down again.

Gu Qingzhou was silent for a long time, not understanding why, even after doing so much, he still couldn't warm Jiang Xu's heart. He tilted his head up, and the rims of his eyes gradually became wet, soaking his lashes cold and damp, slowly staining them a shocking, deep red. Watching him, Jiang Xu thought for a moment that he was about to cry.

Somehow, Gu Qingzhou managed to hold it back. His fingertips clenched and then relaxed, his eyes dark and gloomy like a pool of thick ink that could not be dissolved. "Consider? What answer could you possibly come up with?"

Jiang Xu paused, then answered honestly, "Two answers. Either be with you, or have nothing to do with you."

In fact, those were the only two options.

But Gu Qingzhou didn't believe Jiang Xu would choose the former. The two of them were just re-enacting the scene from all those years ago. In the end, he would still be the only one left behind...

"Jiang Xu..." Gu Qingzhou's Adam's apple bobbed. He reached up and tore off his tie, his voice once again becoming as inscrutable as it was in memory. "What do you take me for? A charity? You get with me when you need money, and kick me away when you don't?"

Even loan sharks collect interest.

Jiang Xu genuinely wanted to think things over, but Gu Qingzhou simply wouldn't believe him. Hearing the sarcasm in the other's words, he instinctively looked over. "Then what do you want?"

Neither of them had an easygoing temperament. With too many misunderstandings wedged between them, it seemed confrontation was their only way out.

Gu Qingzhou looked at him, the depths of his eyes seeming to be soaked in blood. He seemed to want to laugh but couldn't manage it, asking back in a low voice, "What do I want?"

What could he want? Shouldn't he be the one asking Jiang Xu that question? From beginning to end, it was always Jiang Xu who was aloof, summoning him when he pleased and dismissing him just as easily. Gu Qingzhou just wanted to be with him, that was all he wanted...

Gu Qingzhou suddenly let out a laugh that brought a tear to his eye. He abruptly raised a hand, grabbed Jiang Xu's collar, and slammed him hard against the wall. Each word was like a double-edged sword, scraping at Jiang Xu's flesh while also stabbing cruelly into the sorest spot in Gu Qingzhou's own heart. "What do I want? I'm paying to keep you, what do you think I want? Huh?!"

His eyes were bloodshot and tear-filled, a hysteria he had never shown before. Hearing this, Jiang Xu grabbed his hand, his brow furrowed tightly as he stared deeply at Gu Qingzhou. "Do you have to be like this?"

Gu Qingzhou didn't answer. He simply pointed a finger through the air at the bank card on the nightstand. Though there were still tear tracks at the corners of his eyes, he forced a smile, his tone icy and mocking. "You want to dump me, don't you? Fine, I'm tired of playing, too. You keep me company for one night, take the money, and walk away. After that, we won't owe each other anything."

Jiang Xu knew he was just saying it out of anger, but a nameless fire still shot through his heart. He tried to push Gu Qingzhou away, but the moment he moved, he was pressed against the door with even greater force. A dense, stinging pain followed on his lips. The taste of blood mixed with the saltiness of tears, leaving him no way to escape or avoid it.

Jiang Xu never knew Gu Qingzhou could be this strong. He tried to push him off several times but failed. Not daring to use his full strength, he was haphazardly pushed onto the bed in a state of panic and confusion. The taste of blood filled both their mouths, making it impossible to tell whose was whose. Jiang Xu hated being forced more than anything. Annoyance flared in his heart, and the nameless fire burned his mind blank. He simply kissed back fiercely, flipping Gu Qingzhou over and pinning him underneath. He reached out and ripped open the other's shirt; several buttons instantly popped off, rolling onto the floor.

Jiang Xu's jaw was tense as he silently suppressed his anger. The coldness in his eyes faintly overlapped with the arrogant look of his youth, and his voice was steeped in chill as he forcefully wiped the blood from his lips. "Fine, you want to do it, right? I'll do it with you—"

Gu Qingzhou's shirt was torn to shreds, revealing his pale, slender collarbones. But Jiang Xu didn't touch his lips again. He just went through the motions mechanically, with no intimate foreplay and no preparation. He simply turned the man over to face away from him and crudely aroused the most primitive sensations.

The moment it began, both of them were in extreme pain, yet neither made a sound.

For some reason, Gu Qingzhou stopped moving as well, lying on the bed like a corpse. He stared with a pair of dull, lightless eyes as cold sweat beaded on his forehead, soaking his dark hair. It then slid down his pale skin, leaving a damp stain on the bedsheet.

This was what he had demanded from Jiang Xu—only real pain and an illusory beauty. It was like this years ago, and it was still like this now. He had simply spun a cocoon around himself, reaping what he had sown...

The rush of anger to the head often lasts only a moment. When calmness returns, one is suddenly struck by the realization of what one has done. When Jiang Xu's reason returned, his body suddenly stiffened. He looked down, his gaze sweeping over Gu Qingzhou's pale lips, which were mottled with bloodstains, before finally settling on the dark, wet patch on the bedsheet, not knowing if it was soaked with sweat or tears.

Jiang Xu couldn't help but shut his eyes. He was speechless, unable to understand how things had escalated to this point. His face was grim as he pulled out and away, picking up his scattered clothes and quickly getting dressed.

Gu Qingzhou didn't move for a long time. His long, pale fingers gripped the edge of the bed so tightly that the blue veins were faintly visible. He slowly sat up, the movement pulling at the tearing pain behind him, but his face was expressionless, as if the pain wasn't on his body at all.

As Jiang Xu finished dressing, his peripheral vision caught a speck of scarlet on the bedsheet. His movements abruptly froze. He subconsciously looked up at Gu Qingzhou, his expression stunned and helpless, like a child who had done something wrong and wanted to apologize but didn't know how to start.

Gu Qingzhou didn't look at him. He just struggled to prop himself up and threw the bank card from the nightstand to Jiang Xu's feet. His voice, hoarse from being suppressed for too long, sounded like it had been scraped with sandpaper, yet it carried only a single, cold and indifferent word—

"Scram..."

He looked miserable, even more miserable than when Jiang Xu had dumped him back then.

Jiang Xu narrowed his eyes, looked at him, and didn't move.

Gu Qingzhou weakly raised his head. The deep red at the corners of his eyes stood in stark contrast to his pale skin. His sweat-soaked hair hung limply, and his eyes were so dark that not a single ray of light could penetrate them. He just stared straight at Jiang Xu, moved his chapped lips, and silently repeated, "Take your money, and scram..."

It was as if the last trace of warmth between them had been completely torn away, leaving only a past dripping with blood. Seeing this, Jiang Xu pursed his lips, then turned and left without a word. The door closed with a dull thud, which was quickly drowned out by the clamor of the rain.

Jiang Xu didn't know how he walked out of that room. He only felt a heavy stone weighing on his heart, choking him and making it difficult to breathe. Yet, a wildfire was smoldering inside, scorching his sanity and preventing him from taking a step back.

Jiang Xu took the elevator downstairs, then walked into the curtain of rain and hailed a taxi. His mind was numb from start to finish, yet he was also incredibly clear-headed. It wasn't until he returned to his own small, cold rental apartment that he collapsed onto the bed as if all his strength had been drained.

Fucking hell...

Jiang Xu thought, what the hell was all that.

He stared at the ceiling, but the scene from earlier replayed in his mind, frame by frame, with absolute clarity. The sensation of pain seemed to linger on his body. If he felt this uncomfortable, it was needless to say how much worse it was for Gu Qingzhou, who had been on the receiving end.

Having been heartless for too long, it had been a very, very long time since Jiang Xu had been troubled by any person or matter. He ignored his rain-soaked, still-damp clothes, closed his eyes, and pulled the blanket over his face, trying to stop the chaotic thoughts. Even just falling asleep would be good, but he couldn't seem to control his own mind.

Gu Qingzhou...

Gu Qingzhou...

Jiang Xu quietly closed his eyes, repeating this name over and over. The three characters, taken apart and put back together, seemed cold and distant, yet they had poured a heart full of sincerity and passion onto him. It was a contradiction through and through.

For some reason, Jiang Xu took out his phone and scrolled through his contacts and social media apps again and again. As night fell and the room grew so dark you couldn't see your hand in front of your face, with not a speck of light, he abruptly turned off his phone, then got up to take a shower.

This was the world of adults. No matter how shattered the previous day had been, you had to pull yourself together for work the next day.

The hot water from the showerhead poured down on him, and steam gradually filled his vision. A dense, stinging pain came from his lower lip, which had turned slightly pale from the water. He closed his eyes faintly, leaning his back against the cold tiled wall. His mind was empty, as if he had thought about many things, and yet nothing at all.

That night, Jiang Xu had no desire to sleep. He sat on the floor and smoked for the entire night. By the time the sky brightened, the area around him was littered with cigarette butts. His eyes were bloodshot, a rare sight of dejection.

Before, he had been worrying about his feelings for Gu Qingzhou. Now, that was great. The two of them had completely fallen out. Jiang Xu didn't know if he should continue to worry.

There was probably no need anymore...

Jiang Xu had rarely been late recently, but he always clocked in right on time. Today, however, he was exceptionally early. At the very least, when Li Si'ao walked into the office, the only people there were the little admin assistant who recorded attendance and Jiang Xu.

Li Si'ao had stayed up late playing games yesterday, so he came in early today to work on his drawings. He didn't expect Jiang Xu to be in so early as well and gave him a curious look. "Well, what do you know, the sun must have risen in the west. What are you doing here so early? It's not like there's a prize for you."

Jiang Xu wanted to reply, but after smoking all night, his voice was so hoarse he couldn't make a sound. He simply shut his mouth, his gaze discreetly fixed on the door, as if waiting for someone.

The clock on the wall ticked away nonstop. The once-empty office gradually filled with people, but there was still no sign of Gu Qingzhou. Jiang Xu seemed lost in thought about something when he heard Fang Qia curiously chatting with the little admin assistant. "Hey, why isn't Manager Gu here today? I have a contract waiting for his seal."

The little admin assistant said, "Manager Gu took the day off. You can show it to him tomorrow."