A Little Impatient Part 2

"Because the pain in my lungs worsens at night, I can't shift my focus to work. Instead, I make mistakes because I can't concentrate. So, I have to stay like this," Fei Yujing replied, turning his head to the side. "Thank you for keeping me company. I feel much better now."

"At this moment, should I say 'you're welcome' or praise you for your rationality?" Shi Jin threw the towel back into the bucket and rubbed his hands together. He glanced at Fei Yujing and gave up on the idea of being angry with him. He carefully wiped away all the sweat on his body, pausing for a moment before whispering, "Actually... I'm really happy that you called me over."

Fei Yujing turned slightly to look at him. Shi Jin threw the towel back into the basin and got up to fetch another clean patient gown from the wardrobe. He handed it to Fei Yujing and said, "Change into this."

Fei Yujing obediently complied and said, "Thank you."

Shi Jin had no more temper left. He compromised with himself and with Fei Yujing. He sat down by the bedside and assumed a serious posture, saying, "Second Brother, I don't want to argue with you over meaningless things anymore. It's a waste of my anger because you simply don't understand. After giving it some thought, I realized that our disagreements stem from differences in our ways of thinking. To avoid any more pointless arguments, can we try to understand each other first?"

Fei Yujing saw Shi Jin's mature and tolerant demeanor for the first time and carefully scrutinized him before replying, "Sure."

"How do you always manage to handle your emotions so rationally, Second Brother? I've tried to be like you, to delve deep into my own thoughts and analyze my emotions with a rational attitude, but it's just too embarrassing to admit some of them and express them honestly."

Fei Yujing shook his head. "I don't understand what you mean."

One reassuring aspect of talking to Fei Yujing was that you never had to worry about him hiding anything or lying. He was always honest with those close to him. If he didn't understand something, he simply said so.

Shi Jin tried to change his approach and asked, "Have you ever experienced any emotions or feelings that are difficult to understand or too embarrassing to tell others about? Or have you ever wanted to escape from what you were thinking?"

Fei Yujing thought seriously this time and nodded, "Yes."

What?

"What were they?" Shi Jin asked eagerly, his eyes shining. A person who is always rational and clear-headed cannot possibly experience self-avoidance. It seems that there is still hope for Fei Yujing.

Fei Yujing glanced at him and asked, "Why do you want to know this?"

Just curious.

Shi Jin replied shamelessly, "Because I want to understand you."

"I also want to get to know you," Fei Yujing replied, smoothly changing the subject. "Xiao Jin, what do you think of me?"

Shi Jin paused at the question, understanding that Fei Yujing was trying to take control of the conversation. But he didn't say anything and instead answered, "I think you're a cold-blooded bastard."

Fei Yujing was surprised. "Cold-blooded?"

"Not exactly cold-blooded, but more like a robot. You always have a good handle on your emotions and feelings, and you do what you want without caring about what others think. Sometimes I admire you, and occasionally I envy you. But most of the time, I feel uneasy and fearful because of your willingness to do whatever you want and not care about others."

Fei Yujing was taken aback. "Uneasy and fearful?"

"Yes, unease, fear, and unwillingness," replied Shi Jin, for the first time speaking his true thoughts without reservation. "Our relationship has always been on your terms, you come and go as you please. You say you now see me as a younger brother, but I dare not indulge in the care you give me. In matters of the heart, I am used to give and take. If someone is good to me, I will be good to them in return. But with you, I cannot respond to the emotions you give me, so subconsciously, I ignore the things you do for me. By ignoring them, I don't have to respond."

Fei Yujing listened quietly, trying to understand his thoughts. As Shi Jin looked at his serious expression, he remembered what Rong Zhouzhong had said during dinner - that Fei Yujing was trying to cross the boundaries he had set and understand his thoughts.

His heart softened and he suddenly didn't feel embarrassed or uncomfortable about expressing the tangled thoughts in his heart.

He continued, "Second Brother, when you treated me as a tool, you approached me decisively. When I lost my value, you abandoned me cleanly. Later, when we reunited, you suddenly accepted me as your brother because of various reasons. All of this was passive on my part. Your approach didn't require my permission; your departure didn't require an explanation; your apology didn't require my forgiveness; your compensation didn't require my response. I was like a puppet being manipulated by you.

"According to your mood, you treat me however you like, but you never care about my own thoughts and emotions. My will cannot determine your attitude and actions towards me."

Fei Yujing furrowed his brow and asked, "Am I really like that?"

"In my understanding, yes. You're right, what I want is for your emotional need. I hope you need me," Shi Jin replied.

Fei Yujing slowly shook his head and said, "Xiao Jin, I still don't understand. Are you saying that my concern for you has become a burden for you? That was not my intention. I don't seek your forgiveness because I don't want to emotionally manipulate you. You're already too tired, and what I did to you was too cruel. Asking for your forgiveness would be unfair to you."

Shi Jin was taken aback and asked, "Is it because of this that you said you wouldn't force me to forgive you?"

Fei Yujing nodded.

So that's how it was. Shi Jin couldn't quite process what had just happened. He had apologized, not for forgiveness, but because he didn't want to make things difficult for the other person.

It wasn't because of the more self-centered reasons like "I don't want to consider your thoughts" or "Your thoughts aren't important to me, I'll just do what I want." He covered his face with his hand and felt a small sense of redemption.

"Xiao Jin?" Fei Yujing called out to him, confused.

Shi Jin let out a shallow breath and looked at him, saying, "Are you stupid?"

Fei Yujing furrowed his brow, clearly not agreeing with his statement.

"Never mind, I'm the fool for bringing this up to you," Shi Jin suddenly didn't want to continue analyzing with him. He looked directly into his eyes and said, "Second Brother, I feel uneasy because I don't know how deep your feelings for me are. I'm afraid because I fear you will once again withdraw abruptly like you did before. I'm unwilling because your actions have caused me to be confused and overthink things, while you always remain calm and indifferent. I'm afraid that after convincing myself to let go of the past and open up to you again, I'll end up with the same outcome as before."

He paused and placed his hand on Fei Yujing's shoulder, looking into his eyes as he spoke slowly and deliberately, "Second Brother, you are too rational. I fear that I will once again become a casualty of your rational weighing. I hope that you will be emotionally shaken and lost in thought because of me. I hope that you will experience joy and pain because of your feelings towards me. I want you to care about me and fear losing me. If one day I disappear from your life, I hope you will feel pain and sorrow. Only if you show that you care about me, will I dare to approach you again. The lesson from last time was too profound, and I am afraid."

Fei Yujing stared at him, feeling for the first time unsure of how to respond to someone's words.

"Second Brother, I don't need you to empathize with the pain I've suffered before. I don't need you to feel guilty and remorseful to the point of wanting to die. I've tasted those things, and even big brother and the others have tasted them. They even got sick because of it. You're lucky to have avoided it, that's great." Shi Jin withdrew his hand and his tone softened. "That's all I have to say, that's all my expectations of you, Second Brother. If you really accept me as your brother, then please cooperate with me this time, okay?"

Yes, that's right. There's no need to overthink things. If you want something, just ask for it. If you can't get what you want, then when you give up, you can still feel content in your heart because you tried your best. That way, no matter what the outcome is, you can accept it with peace of mind.

Fei Yujing seemed to understand his brother's words, yet also seemed not to. An unknown emotion stirred within him, urging him to embrace his courageous and emotionally vulnerable brother, but his habitual rationality and clarity prevented him from acting.

He didn't need to feel guilty or blame himself, but he needed to care deeply, deeply.

It was as if a stone was blocking his heart, something wanted to break free, but his instincts suppressed it.

No, he couldn't retreat now. Shi Jin had already taken the first step, and he couldn't let him down. After all, it was he who had initiated all of this.

"I...am a bit anxious," he heard his own voice, with a hesitation he had never experienced before. "If you ask me if I have ever been in a situation where I am too embarrassed to tell others what I am thinking, my answer is yes. I am a bit anxious, but I dare not tell you."

Shi Jin was puzzled, "What?"

"Seeing you reconcile with Old Third and Old Fifth one by one, I...am a bit anxious." After the first sentence was spoken, the following words seemed easier to say, "So after the car accident happened, I immediately realized that an opportunity had come."

Wait, opportunity? Shi Jin furrowed his brows slightly. Fei Yujing slowly regained his composure and his tone became more steady: "When we were on the island, I noticed that you were very affectionate towards Old Fifth and took good care of him... not just him, but also Old Third, Old Fourth, and even Big Brother. You were either close to them, dependent on them, or concerned about them. Only towards me, you have always been very polite."

Shi Jin gradually realized what he was trying to express and his heart involuntarily tightened. He asked, "I'm polite to you?"

"Yes, very polite," Fei Yujing answered. As if he had thought of something, he added, "Not just polite, you are also guarded against me. So I started trying to touch you more, like Old Third does to you, but your reaction to my touch was very normal."

Shi Jin thought about the behavior of Fei Yujing, who would occasionally tap his own head, and his eyes widened slightly - was this intentional?

Fei Yujing reached out and lightly tapped his forehead, saying, "Like this... I've noticed that your attitude towards me is like that of an acquaintance, not rejecting but not very close either. So I became anxious. There isn't much left that I can do to help Lian Jun, and after this is all over, the chances of us meeting will only decrease. What if everything just settles like this? I don't want to be the only one among all our brothers whom you are so polite. Xiao Jin, I want to be your brother, not just a polite friend."

This time, Shi Jin was speechless.

"I wanted to know why you were being so polite to me, so after the car accident, I deliberately spread the news, hoping to lure you over. You did come, and you did feel guilty, so I took the opportunity to talk to you and understand what you were thinking, but I messed up. I even deliberately called Third Brother over, thinking that with him there, the atmosphere would be more lively and relaxed. If I made you angry, he could help me coax you."

Fei Yujing revealed all his calculations and asked, "Xiao Jin, I am a very scary older brother, right?"

"...No." Shi Jin shook his head, looking at the clear self-mockery and faint self-disgust in his eyes. At that moment, he was overwhelmed with mixed emotions and said, "You're not scary...you're just...just too foolish, Second Brother. Why are you so unintelligent?"

After all this time, what exactly were the two brothers up to?