Autumn Rain Part 1

Before Cen Zeng left, he said goodbye to Xu Zhenqing.

Zhang Yuhao was sitting right next to the Senior Sister, waiting for her guidance. He hurriedly averted his gaze, surprisingly not daring to look at him.

He couldn't be bothered to waste energy thinking about what this senior was thinking and turned to leave.

The autumn afternoon sunlight was as warm as fine sand, not at all aggressive. When he reached the hospital entrance, Cheng Shuo waved at him.

"So early?" he smiled, almost illuminating the pale sunlight.

"Mm..." Cen Zeng thought for a moment. "Sister Xu said Li Aimin wasn't here, so she told me to leave early."

"Did anything else happen? Do you want to talk about it?" Cheng Shuo always had so much, seemingly inexhaustible patience for him.

Cen Zeng didn't understand, nor did he know how to repay it.

"The senior is planning to take a leave of absence from school." He could only be honest. "Someone in the lab reported to Li Aimin that he was secretly working on a project with a PhD student from next door. If he doesn't take a leave, his situation will probably be so difficult that he won't be able to endure it."

"Then..." Cheng Shuo frowned. What was bound to happen had indeed happened. Song Shuyi's casual yet lifeless tone echoed in his ears.

But that senior, in the end, never compromised.

"Are you sad?" But what he truly cared about, to put it bluntly, was only the person in front of him.

Cen Zeng thought for a moment and said, "Sad, I guess."

"Why is there an 'I guess'?"

"Because, it seems being sad is useless," he said. "If you think too much, you can't go on living."

Cheng Shuo didn't continue the topic. He just took his hand and said, "Then let's have something sweet."

In the elegantly decorated Zhen Xuan Chinese Dessert Shop, countless exquisitely dressed men and women were engrossed in striking their best poses, waiting to post them on the internet.

After much deliberation, they each ordered a serving of Sweet Osmanthus Fermented Rice Balls and a serving of Red Date Goji Berry and Snow Fungus Stew.

The presentation was very unique. The rice balls were sprinkled with gold dust, and the goji berries and snow fungus looked like a rabbit's beautiful eyes.

"It tastes good," Cen Zeng said.

"Right? It's not too sweet." Cheng Shuo smiled. "Feeling better?"

Not really.

In those moments of vomiting, he almost wished for Cheng Shuo to be awake, to see him and be disappointed, so that everything wouldn't have to continue.

No need to face kindness, no need to face unfamiliar warmth, no need to look back at his own past, and then feel powerless and want to die.

There was a fire, dense and searing, burning its way up his throat.

The flames were so hot he felt like he was going to vomit.

Nothing in his entire body felt right.

Not worth it.

Regardless of the reason for this patience, he was not someone worth being treated this way.

Don't love. Not worthy of love.

Not worthy at all.

Don't want to get better.

The more I accept, the more I want to die.

Because I'm just letting them down.

When he came to his senses, someone was tapping the side of his bowl. "Is it that delicious? It's got you in a daze."

"It's just..." he replied, "I'm a little tired."

"Are you like me? Sleepy in spring, weary in autumn, drowsy in summer, and hibernating in winter? Then after this, let's just grab some dinner and go home to sleep?"

He put a rice ball into his mouth. "Okay."

Cen Zeng was completely off. It was as if his soul was floating in the sky, only occasionally remembering to plummet straight back down and barely fit into its shell.

For the first time in a long while, Cheng Shuo felt defeated.

He wanted to ask, but in the end, only said, "If you're unhappy, you can tell me."

The person opposite him paused for a moment, then said, "I'm still processing some things. Am I affecting you?"

"What does it matter if you're affecting me or not?" Cheng Shuo replied, "I asked because I want to know."

Cen Zeng raised his eyes and said he was just tired.

Cheng Shuo nodded and said, "So that's how it is. Then what would make you feel a little better?"

He asked gently, leaning forward slightly, thinking to himself, 'This is great progress. He's able to say he's tired. That's really good.'

"A nap, probably." Once the words were out, the person opposite him actually seemed uncharacteristically embarrassed, lowering his head to stare at his bowl, unwilling to look up at him.

Cheng Shuo smiled and said, "Alright then. Let's go home in a bit, order some takeout, and then sleep."

Cen Zeng nodded.

The truth was, he barely slept all night.

When he opened his eyes, his entire body was aching. His heartbeat, like his pulse, twitched irredeemably. In that instant, he wished all his internal organs would rot.

It felt like a rubber band was wrapped around his frontal lobe, pulling and tightening, almost making him faint.

But the lab classes, the midterm exam reviews, and the chores in the laboratory would not disappear because of his insomnia.

For several days in a row, it was like opening a blind box to see how many hours of sleep he could get each day.

Then, facing Cheng Shuo's concern, he would reply, "I slept well, I'm feeling a little better."

He pretended to be calm, but at night, he still only felt nauseous.

Sometimes, he wanted to ask, "Just what will it take to exhaust your patience?"

But when he met the other person's gaze, he found he couldn't say it.

He loathed this weakness and could only lower his head, remaining silent.

Then he would look at the moon, the sunset clouds, and the rain outside the window.

Life went on, and in the moments when he was about to be crushed, he felt a long-lost familiarity.

It seemed this was the kind of life he was used to living.

Everyone was preparing for midterms. Cen Zeng's complexion was consistently poor. Cheng Shuo wanted to say something, but was afraid of being too hasty, afraid that this person wouldn't even be willing to utter "I'm tired" again.

So, using the excuse of studying together, Cheng Shuo actually studied seriously for a few days, a rare occurrence.

In between memorizing his notes, he would look at Cen Zeng's face as he stared at the computer.

Occasionally, he would inadvertently see images from the courseware that were shocking enough to be censored on cloud drives.

Cen Zeng looked up, a hint of a smile in his eyes, and conveniently turned the computer screen black. "What's wrong?"

"Hungry," he said.

Cen Zeng glanced at the refrigerator and said, "Let's have noodles."

Tomato, egg, and beef noodles. The person opposite him had used up all the remaining ingredients in the fridge.

After eating and cleaning up, Cen Zeng went to get the knife that was soaking in the sink with the pot.