Don't Go

Lifting his head, the mirror reflected a cold, indifferent face.

He lowered his head and splashed water on his face.

He splashed until the hot water steamed up, and dense droplets covered the glass surface, finally sparing him from seeing his own face.

He was a little dazed. His stomach was twitching slightly, almost as if it were burning.

So why is the stomach an emotional organ? He couldn't even read his own emotions. It was laughable that he had to rely on a physiological reaction, incompetently working backward from it.

So, putting everything aside, could he fall asleep?

Three melatonin pills down, and at five in the morning, he finally had his answer.

He turned on his computer, subconsciously wanting to get some work done, only to find that Li Aimin hadn't given any new instructions.

In a daze, he still looked at the sky.

Clear, cloudless, so transparent he could almost make out his own face in it.

'Should I go get Mom's sleeping pills?'

He was silent, under the illusion that he had been drowned in fireworks, his vision filled with inexplicable light. He blinked, and there was nothing.

Life was still going on.

During the lunch break, Xu Zhenqing came over and asked Cen Zeng, "Do you smoke?"

At high noon, they found a quiet corner on the rooftop among the scattered groups of people.

"Shuyi said he might be planning to take a leave of absence from school." Xu Zhenqing sighed. "Professor Liu next door put in a few words for him, but it backfired. It looks like Director Li plans to make his life hell to the very end."

He replied in the same manner, "Senior Brother told me."

There were many things he wanted to ask, many things he wanted to say. But as his Senior Sister smoked nonchalantly, he calmly swallowed his own helplessness in the effect of the nicotine.

'Don't despair, you can't despair, even if you don't even know what despair really is.'

"Cen Zeng..." his Senior Sister called his name. "Don't be sad."

Was he sad? He himself didn't even know.

So he simply replied in kind, "Sister Xu, don't be sad."

But this kind of thing had never been something that could be fixed just by saying it out loud.

The person before him should know this best, should be in the most pain. But she had held on to this point, to the extent that it seemed nothing he could say would be of any use.

But one still had to speak.

"I want to know." He looked up. "Sister Xu, why haven't you reported it all this time?"

This was almost like passing a sentence on the gentle yet strong Senior Sister before him.

But she took his words and replied, "Because I'm a coward."

"You're not a coward," he returned. "You're stronger than me."

"Strength itself is a hard thing to define, isn't it?" The person opposite him was smiling. "There's nothing I can do, so I'm forced to endure. No matter how graceful my endurance looks, it's just putting a golden edge on a piece of shit like cowardice."

She negated herself like that, as if hoping someone would curse her out and wake her from this endless purgatory.

"You're amazing," Cen Zeng simply replied. "Senior Sister, you've already done well enough. Don't be so hard on yourself."

Spoken so nicely, Xu Zhenqing smiled a faint, silent smile.

She shook her head and said, "Of course not, Cen Zeng, it's not like that."

His head was just splitting with pain. He wanted to wake up from a nightmare, only to discover that this was already reality.

"Sometimes I want to beat up Li Aimin," he said. "I feel like I could actually win against him."

"Shuyi has said that too," Xu Zhenqing replied. "But you see, whether it's you, him, or me, none of us can land a punch on him."

She spoke crisply, without a trace of hope in her eyes.

But Cen Zeng once again inexplicably thought of that mysterious old man who said there was a snake under the bed.

"I don't understand," was all he could say in the end.

"Just wait," Xu Zhenqing told him. "We medical students who've managed to endure until now have no shortage of patience."

"If I... coerced you, threatened you, forced you to step forward, what would you think?"

"You're not capable of doing something like that, for now," Xu Zhenqing answered.

She even smiled, saying, "Cen Zeng, you're very talented. But in this Laboratory, talent is really too much like a curse."

"Li Aimin is a rotten person, but he just happens to be a good judge of character and a doctor with horrible medical ethics. For him to take a liking to you... I really don't know what to say."

'So what?'

They said no more, just calmly lit new cigarettes from the embers of the old ones, and then fell into a new round of silence.

'Why is it like this?'

'Why has it come to this?'

Then he found a message from Cheng Shuo, saying, 'I found a pretty good dessert shop, let's meet there tonight, okay?'

'Why is he so good to me?'

'Does Cheng Shuo really know what he's doing?'

'Does he really understand just what kind of person he's showing kindness to?'

But how could he possibly refuse?

The moment he lowered his head to reply, Xu Zhenqing just smiled. "So, you two are getting back together soon, right?"

His Senior Sister's gossipy demeanor was still very composed and calm, not putting any pressure on him.

"I'd rather..." He only felt pain in this. "...not be together."

"Shuyi told me you two are a great match. You look like a very well-matched couple. When I saw you that day, I really felt that was true."

Even now, she was still so gentle.

"I don't know," Cen Zeng answered truthfully. "And I don't understand."

Xu Zhenqing exhaled a puff of smoke, putting on her nonchalant smile that was enough to fool many. "The fact that it makes you wonder is already a good thing."

"But he..." Cen Zeng replied, "Why would he want to be with me?"

Her junior's confused look inexplicably made Xu Zhenqing feel a little like crying.

The person opposite her was, of course, outstanding enough—handsome, good-looking, a man of few words but reliable. She could almost imagine him treating patients, going into surgery, or facing all difficulties and forging ahead.

She shook her head and said, "Sorry, I can't answer that for you. After all, I've never had a boyfriend myself."

"But..." she continued, "Cen Zeng, people always have to find a way to make life easier for themselves. Don't always think so much."

He knew she was telling the truth.

But he was still powerless.

"Alright, I just wanted to chat with you..." She smiled from across him. "Shuyi doesn't want his decision to affect us. It's shameful, but I really don't plan on doing much. Sorry, that's the kind of person I am."

'What an unreasonable apology.'

'Why is she apologizing?'

"If I have to say something..." she smiled, "Just date for now. I'll advise you to break up when the time is right."

"It's hard to imagine you advising someone to break up, Senior Sister," he said truthfully.

"It's also hard to imagine you dating anyone," Xu Zhenqing chuckled. "Just date for now. Even if you're the one who wrongs him, I'll still be on your side."

"That sounds..." Cen Zeng said, "...like... not much of an incentive to continue dating."

Xu Zhenqing just smiled, her lips curling up silently.

"Just keep holding on for now. Don't worry about how you do it."

His Senior Sister's eyes were already red-rimmed.

But of course, he wouldn't mention it. He just casually leaned closer and lit another cigarette for her.

Then, Xu Zhenqing asked, "What did you reply? Director Li won't be here until after the weekend. Even Zhang Yuhao thinks I'm in charge of the laboratory now, so I'll definitely let you go on your date."

"I'll stay until evening," Cen Zeng replied.

"In that case..." she said with a grin, "the little undergraduate should hurry up and go on his date. Leave before four."

"Four-thirty," the undergraduate replied. "I can help until then."

"Leave at four," she said. "Just do it to make me feel a little better."