"Brother Cheng," Gu Fei said, standing next to him.

"Oh," Jiang Cheng fiddled with his phone, unmoving, staring at a blade of grass poking out from a crack in the cement below.

"Let's chat?" Gu Fei said.

"Whatever," Jiang Cheng said, "If you want to talk then talk, if not then forget it."

"Let's take a walk," Gu Fei said.

Jiang Cheng put his phone back in his pocket, standing up without even glancing Gu Fei's way, walking straight towards the school's back gate.  

Gu Fei's footsteps followed right behind him, but stayed behind, not catching up to walk side by side like usual.

At this time, the food street by the back gate hadn't reached its busiest hours yet. Just a few vendors had set up, lounging lazily in their chairs.

Jiang Cheng didn't know where to go either, just walked aimlessly forward, stepping on the soft black oil sludge warmed by the sun. Their footsteps were no longer audible.

He tilted his head back slightly. Gu Fei quickly caught up and was now on his left.

Wandering without purpose all the way to the bridge, Jiang Cheng hesitated then followed the broken path at the bridge entrance further to the riverside. Stepping on the broken earth and soil chunks, looking at the perpetually waterless riverbed, he walked a ways then stopped.

"What did I do to you?" Jiang Cheng looked at Gu Fei.

"Why didn't you tell me you were going to play my song?" Gu Fei asked.

"Just for that?" Jiang Cheng's brows knitted together, "Then I apologize, I didn't think..."

"No," Gu Fei interrupted him, "It's not that, you playing it, changing it, however you want is fine. But in the future..."

Jiang Cheng looked at him.

Gu Fei's expression was unreadable, as always. No matter what he said, if he didn't elaborate, it was very difficult to glean anything from his facial expressions or eyes.

"Don't mention my name again in the future," Gu Fei said.

"What other bullshit future?" Jiang Cheng leaned back against a small tree. As soon as he leaned on it he felt something on the trunk poke him painfully. He quickly stood up straight again, the pain making it a little hard to keep his temper down, "What future? It's senior year, bro, just this once! You think I have nothing better to do?"

Gu Fei didn't speak, just let out a soft sigh.

Jiang Cheng glared for a while before catching the key point in his words, although he already had an inkling when he heard the host say Gu Fei's name. But hearing Gu Fei say it himself still felt incomprehensible: "What's wrong with saying your name? Don't want to participate in programs? Can't even announce your name?"

"It's nothing," Gu Fei said, "And it's also not..."

"Firstly," Jiang Cheng took a step forward, staring into his eyes, "I'm very sorry for using your song without telling you. Second, the host didn't say 'Composer Gu Fei' because I told her to. Third, when Old Xu guessed you were the composer, I should have told him not to spread it, that was my mistake."

Gu Fei looked at him without saying anything.

"I'm sorry, I don't know why you are like this. I'm sorry, I don't know why you can't participate in these kinds of activities. I don't know why you have to keep your distance from everyone. I don't know why you always have to stay outside of normal school life!" Jiang Cheng's voice gradually grew louder. All the puzzlement and distress he had felt over Gu Fei's condition these past days was slowly erupting. "So I'm sorry! I shouldn't have thought about getting you on stage with me! I'm sorry! I shouldn't have insisted on giving you a surprise when you didn't even want to! I'm sorry! Is that okay? I'm sorry, Gu Fei! I'm so stupid. I don't know what you want at all!"

"Brother Cheng," Gu Fei frowned and reached out to grab his arm. "Don't get angry first."

"Don't touch me!" Jiang Cheng yelled and shook his hand off. "I said, if you have anything going on, say it! If you don't want to say it, then don't let me know about it! Those are the only two options! Otherwise, fuck off!"

"Okay," Gu Fei looked at him. "Do you think I'm pretty great? That I'm excellent, better than a lot of people around me?"

"Don't flatter yourself!" Jiang Cheng said. "I complimented you a couple times and you actually took it seriously! You just have a nice face and long legs. What else is there?"

Gu Fei sighed and took out a cigarette to stick in his mouth. He squatted down facing the riverbed.  

Jiang Cheng stared at his back for a long time before adding, "Yes, I think you're excellent, talented, smart. Not just me, Old Xu thinks so too."

"So what?" Gu Fei asked again with the cigarette still in his mouth.

"What do you mean so what? So what?" Jiang Cheng asked irritably.

"I'm excellent, talented, smart," Gu Fei turned his head. "So what?"

"What the fuck do you mean so what!" Jiang Cheng yelled. "I just wanted people to know you're not how you seem on the outside. You're different from the trash at the steel factory! I just wanted you to know that yourself! You're different from everyone I've met since coming here! You're ten thousand times better than them!"

"Then what!" Gu Fei also yelled. He stood up, turned around, and walked up to him until they were face to face and glaring at each other. "Then what, Brother Cheng? Do you know what kind of life I've lived? Do you know what kind of life I've had from the time I could remember until now? Do you know?"

Jiang Cheng was stunned for a moment by his yelling. If he remembered correctly, this was the first time Gu Fei had ever lost control of his emotions like this, the first time he had yelled at him this close, face to face. He even felt a wave of dizziness from the force of it.  

"What are you trying to make me realize? That I'm so good, so excellent, so that everyone will know how smart and talented I am? Then what?" Gu Fei's voice lowered. "Brother Cheng, you know what it feels like to not fit in here, right?"

Jiang Cheng looked at him.

"When I'm asleep, I don't know anything," there was a slight tremble in Gu Fei's voice. "Why do you have to wake me? You can leave, you have to leave. What about me?"

Jiang Cheng suddenly felt like it was difficult to breathe. He wanted to say something but couldn't get any words out.

What did it feel like to not fit in here?

He had felt it the moment he stepped off the train and out of the station.

That hopeless feeling, the bleak sight that met his eyes. He still remembered it clearly now.

It was why he was desperately trying to leave even now.

"What about me, Brother Cheng?" Gu Fei said softly. "I'm still here. I have shackles on me. I don't know when they'll come off, or if they ever will. So I'm awake, eyes open, watching. I'll feel hopeless, I'll suffer. Do you understand?"

Jiang Cheng looked at him, unable to speak.

"I know I could be living differently from those people, but right now I can only live like them," Gu Fei squatted back down by the river and lit another cigarette. "I didn't want to tell you any of this. Dating is supposed to be happy, simple. No need to bring up things that can't be changed and make us both upset."

Jiang Cheng didn't say anything. He felt around in his pocket but didn't find any cigarettes since he hadn't brought any today because of the performance.

Gu Fei reached back and held out the cigarette pack and lighter to him.

He hesitated for a moment before taking a cigarette and lighting it. He stared at the wisps of smoke drifting upwards, twisting left and right in the wind, fading quickly from light blue to the invisible color of the wind.

Gu Fei's words were things he had never considered before.

He had only felt that Gu Fei was like an eagle chained by a thin iron tether, but he had never thought that Gu Fei also saw himself that way, so he closed his eyes, put on blinders, and threw away any thoughts beyond just maintaining balance.

Jiang Cheng didn't know what he was feeling. There was a suffocating sensation in his chest and he suddenly regretted some things.

But...it was only now, after Gu Fei had said all this, that he suddenly realized what had felt off ever since their talk of long distance, but that he could never figure out before.

It was that Gu Fei didn't seem to have any desire to struggle.

"It's Gu Miao, right," Jiang Cheng also squatted down behind Gu Fei. "And your mom...no, mainly Gu Miao, right?"

"Mm," Gu Fei made a sound of agreement.

"Have you tried it?" Jiang Cheng bit his lip. He didn't know how to express this accurately. "Tried getting her to accept some changes, little by little. She's already going to classes now. You could try to...Maybe she can't accept changes to her things, but maybe..."

"Brother Cheng," Gu Fei flicked away his cigarette and stood up. "Let's go."

"Hm?" Jiang Cheng was startled but also stood up.

Gu Fei didn't say anything else. He remained silent as well.

When Gu Fei opened the door to go back home, Jiang Cheng finally snapped out of his gloominess. He forced a smile at Gu Miao who was sitting on the living room sofa drawing: "Er Miao."

Gu Miao seemed very happy to see him and waved the paper she was holding.

"Let me see," Jiang Cheng went over and sat down beside her, looking at the paper in her hand. "Rabbits?"

The paper had rabbits drawn on it, lots of them, almost filling up the entire page. Rabbit after rabbit, all green, the same color as Gu Fei's avatar.

Gu Miao took another sheet of paper and continued drawing diligently, insistently using green. She drew identical rabbits, clearly very practiced now at filling up a page quickly with them lined up one after another.  

Watching her focused, Jiang Cheng didn't know what to say.

"Er Miao," Gu Fei walked over and squatted down in front of Gu Miao. "Brother needs to discuss something with you."

Gu Miao glanced at him once as she continued drawing, her focus quickly going back to the pen tip.

"Er Miao, look at brother," Gu Fei said. "Brother has something to discuss with you."

Gu Miao paused for a moment before stopping her pen and turning to look at him.

"Tonight," Gu Fei spoke very slowly, "you sleep in mom's bed, okay?"

Gu Miao didn't react.

"Tonight you won't sleep in your own bed, and you won't sleep on the couch in brother's room," Gu Fei said. "You will sleep...in mom's bed."

Gu Miao still didn't react. But just as Jiang Cheng thought she didn't understand what Gu Fei was saying, she suddenly started screaming.

The sharp sound instantly ripped through the silence, stabbing Jiang Cheng's eardrums like a knife point.

Jiang Cheng only felt he couldn't breathe. The invisible immense pressure layer upon layer pressing down on his chest from the screams made him want to go cover Gu Miao's mouth.

Gu Fei quietly watched Gu Miao. After a while, he took a breath and softly said something to Gu Miao.

Jiang Cheng felt he couldn't make out what was being said. There was only a stifled sensation in his heart, in his mind, and in his ears.

When Gu Miao finally stopped screaming, Jiang Cheng had a strong urge to yell out loudly several times.

"I've tried, Brother Cheng," Gu Fei grabbed his hand, voice very low. "But it's been many years with no change at all. She was born here, grew up here. The scope of what she will accept, at furthest, is to the train station. That's the range she can play her skateboard in. Her sleep range is here. Her bed, the couch in my room. You can shrink her range, but you can't make her leave."

Jiang Cheng looked at him, unable to speak.

"That rehabilitation learning is not cheap. I can't have her participate long term, so I don't know how much longer it will take before she makes a little progress. One year, two years, three, five, or ten, twenty years," Gu Fei's hands started trembling slightly. "Or maybe never. I don't dare think about it. I can't make myself think about it. I can only keep my head down and keep walking. I don't know how far away hope still is."

Jiang Cheng hugged Gu Fei tightly. "I'm sorry, Gu Fei. I'm sorry."

Gu Fei put his arms around his waist, face pressed against his chest.

In the quiet air, amidst the sounds of Gu Miao's drawing, Jiang Cheng heard a muffled, low sob.