Picking Up Stars

捡星星

picking-up-stars

Chapter 60

Qin Fang said he wanted to chat. After he finished speaking, he turned to look at Xing Yan.


 Xing Yan was wearing a thin sports jacket, and as the wind blew from behind, the jacket clung to his back, revealing that he had indeed lost quite a bit of weight.


 Xing Yan had his hands resting on his legs, one hand loosely holding a harmonica. He gazed ahead as the wind puffed up the sleeves of his jacket.


 After the ceremony, they had met twice. The first time they weren't able to talk properly as Qin Fang had hit Xing Yan before turning and leaving. The second time, one was in the car while the other was outside. They looked at each other for a few minutes, exchanging a glance and a gesture, before going their separate ways again.


 This time they were finally able to sit close together and chat quietly and peacefully.


 Qin Fang asked, "You always said you wanted to talk to me, what did you want to talk about?"


 Xing Yan's voice was low, still the voice that Qin Fang liked very much. He said, "Yes, I wanted to talk to you. But now that you ask me like this, I'm not quite sure where to begin."


 Qin Fang smiled slightly and said, "Then let me ask, and you answer."


 Xing Yan nodded in agreement.


 Qin Fang thought the questions he wanted to ask should have come readily, but now he also felt at a loss for where to start. The atmosphere was a bit stiff, as if there was a transparent film between them, separating the previous closeness. Neither of them could initiate the conversation.


 It was a bit awkward. They glanced at each other without any expression or words, but after a while, they both laughed at the same time. Qin Fang shook his head with a smile and sighed, "Ah, this is really making me uncomfortable."


 Xing Yan was also smiling, a faint smile hanging on his lips but not reaching his eyes.


 After this shared laughter, they both felt much more relaxed. Qin Fang leaned back on his arms and asked, "From the very beginning, you never intended for us to be together for a long time... right?"


 Qin Fang went straight to the point without any buffer, which was very much his style.


 Xing Yan maintained his original posture without moving or denying it.


 Qin Fang laughed, "So breaking up was the predetermined outcome from the start? To have a serious relationship and then part ways?"


 He asked very calmly, without agitation or an interrogative tone, just ordinary questions. From this angle, Qin Fang couldn't see Xing Yan's face, only his back.


 "So my initial guess was correct," Qin Fang continued, "I met a player."


 Unexpectedly, Xing Yan shook his head. He turned to look at Qin Fang and said in a deep voice, "That's what you said, not what I said."


 Qin Fang raised his eyebrows. Xing Yan said, "I never said I was a player."


 Xing Yan pressed his lips together and said, "It's true that I didn't think about the long term at first, but I wasn't playing around."


 Qin Fang didn't quite understand and kept looking at him. Xing Yan met his gaze; his eyes were very deep and could draw a person in. Qin Fang asked him, "What do you mean?"


 This was the first time Xing Yan had discussed his feelings with someone, and he indeed didn't know how to begin. He turned back and lowered his head to think for a moment before asking Qin Fang, "From the very beginning of a relationship, do you think about the distant future?"


 Qin Fang was pondering this question when Xing Yan asked again, "From the first day we were together, were you already considering our future?"


 Xing Yan asked two questions that Qin Fang had never considered. Now that they were brought up, Qin Fang was momentarily unable to sort them out. He had certainly thought about the future, but when exactly he had started considering these things was indeed a bit unclear.


 "You said I was playing with you, but I wasn't." Xing Yan turned his head back, still looking ahead. "I wanted to pursue you, I love you, these were all true."


 The sudden mention of "love" now made one's heart ache and feel empty. The result was right there, and looking back at the past affection, it was all heartbreaking no matter how one looked at it.


 Qin Fang sat up straight, his shoulders level with Xing Yan's, and he looked at Xing Yan's profile. After losing weight, the lines of Xing Yan's jaw were even more distinct.


 "You probably don't believe me saying this now," Xing Yan said in a low voice, "You're too angry."


 But Qin Fang said, "I do believe you."


 Xing Yan looked over at him. Qin Fang said, "I am indeed angry. But whatever you want to say, just say it. If you say it, I'll believe it. I came here today just to listen to you. If I didn't believe you, I wouldn't have come."


 Xing Yan nodded, and Qin Fang smiled at him.


 "What I want to say is just this," Xing Yan looked at Qin Fang and repeated slowly, "I'm not a player, and this relationship with you wasn't a game. There are things I did wrong, there's no denying that. I can guess what decision you'll make, and I know saying this won't change the outcome, but I have to say it."


 Qin Fang asked him, "Why?"


 Xing Yan said, "To let you know that this was an equal relationship. You and I were equals, and there was no one controlling the other. The term 'playing' itself shows a lack of respect. I didn't do that. I respect you and I respect our feelings. I made mistakes, but don't be sad."


 From beginning to end, whenever Xing Yan spoke seriously, Qin Fang couldn't resist. Xing Yan would rather take a beating from Qin Fang just to say, "I wasn't playing with you, don't be sad."


 With just a few words, he made Qin Fang's eyes redden and his heart soften. Xing Yan usually said very little and didn't talk about himself. He didn't know how to discuss feelings, so when he did, it was always straightforward without beating around the bush.


 These words nearly made Qin Fang unable to continue the conversation as his nose turned sour. Every word Xing Yan said was sincere, and sincerity was moving.


 Qin Fang didn't speak for a long time until that emotion passed before he continued talking to Xing Yan.


 "I really can't see through you. Sometimes I feel like I understand you very well, but I actually don't. Like now, you're sitting here telling me these things, and I feel your sincerity. I even want to forget about all the messy conflicts about going abroad or not and just continue our relationship as if nothing happened. Including the half year we were together, I never felt you were insincere. I even felt your affection was greater than mine.


 "But in the end, the facts turned out to be different from what I thought. Your feelings for me were half-concealed. I felt you were right in front of me, but you were like a fog that I couldn't grasp."


 Xing Yan didn't respond. Qin Fang said, "The whole world knew you were going abroad, and I was the last to know. This really doesn't align with sincerity, but I still believe everything you say. Isn't that amazing?"


 Qin Fang laughed at himself and shook his head, "I've never doubted your words." They sat on the rooftop chatting, the wind once again blowing their clothes up, empty underneath, their hearts also feeling a bit hollow. They talked a lot, and the atmosphere wasn't always heavy. Sometimes they made each other laugh, glancing at one another, then smiling with tacit understanding.


 Qin Fang asked Xing Yan when he started to have feelings for him.


 Xing Yan said it was from the very beginning.


 Qin Fang raised an eyebrow, "The very beginning? When we were fighting? Don't tell me it was that time our shoulders bumped?"


 Xing Yan shook his head, "No, not then. At that time, besides being handsome and pretentious, you didn't leave any other impression on me."


 Qin Fang laughed for a while, then said, "Speaking of being pretentious, no one can beat you. I can't believe you think others are pretentious."


 "I'm annoying enough when I'm pretentious, so seeing others being pretentious is even more annoying," Xing Yan said.


 Back then, they were both quite good at acting cool. Neither was better than the other. They probably found each other irritating when they saw through the other's act.


 Qin Fang asked when it was then. Xing Yan said he truly fell for Qin Fang during that time at the library.


 "You sat across from me. I thought you would continue acting like before, but you suddenly smiled at me. Your smile made me lose my composure. I was really confused at the time, wondering why you were smiling when enemies meet," Xing Yan shook his head and said, "You completely disrupted my emotions. I almost lost control of my expression."


 They had never talked about these things before. Talking about it now was simply too amusing. At that time, Xing Yan's cool guy act was quite solid. He always kept a straight face, never breaking character. Now, hearing him personally recount the cool guy's inner thoughts was really interesting.


 Xing Yan was telling the truth. Qin Fang's smile at that time was too powerful. Xing Yan was very clear at the time that his heart was moved. Maybe love at first sight feels like this. Although it wasn't their first meeting, in that instant, Xing Yan's heart was indeed strongly stirred.


 "So then you wanted to pursue me?" Qin Fang asked.


 "No," Xing Yan shook his head. "I didn't even want to pay attention to you."


 This answer was too surprising. Qin Fang laughed again and asked him, "My smile made your heart flutter, but you still didn't want to pay attention to me? Why?"


 Xing Yan calmly replied, "Because I'm cool. I'm aloof."


 Qin Fang burst into another fit of laughter.


 Xing Yan's heart had already been clearly moved at that time, but Qin Fang was still acting like a fool, sticking close to him. It was Qin Fang who added him on WeChat, who asked people to save him a seat, who arranged for them to eat together and play ball. He was like a fat rabbit, eagerly delivering himself into someone's mouth.


 Qin Fang was the type of person who could easily make others' hearts flutter. The more you interacted with him, the more you liked him. He was such a sunny person. People yearned for someone like him.


 "Actually, it was my first time liking someone. I'm so good at acting cool, who could I possibly take a liking to? I used to look down on everyone. Others probably looked down on me too. Acting like this, only in TV dramas would people like it. In reality, people would curse 'idiot' behind your back."


 Qin Fang was still laughing. What Xing Yan said was too funny.


 "Graduation was still a distant matter at that time. There was still over a year left. The school hadn't replied to my application yet. Those were all things too far in the future. It was my first time having my heart stirred, falling for a handsome guy. You were always seeking me out. The feeling of having my heart flutter was too wonderful."


 Xing Yan now spoke of that time very naturally, not feeling embarrassed. After all, they had such a good time together later on. They had done so many intimate things. What was there to be shy about those hazy feelings of liking someone?


 "Liking someone, wanting to date, that's what I thought at the time. I really didn't think too far ahead, because the future was distant and hazy. Getting together successfully was a prerequisite for talking about the future. At that stage, who had the mind to think about those things? It wasn't the right time."


 In the early stages of dating, people only look at the present and don't think about the future. Young people in the throes of a crush or love are all like this. Heart fluttering, pursuit, romance, only then do they consider the future. No one thinks about eternal love from the moment their heart is moved. Whether the pursuit will be successful is still uncertain. Thinking too much is pointless.


 Qin Fang also felt that what he said made sense. He laughed and asked, "Then why didn't you deny it when I said you were a player?"


 "I'm not used to talking about these things, and it wasn't that important. At that time, I really didn't want you to keep being conflicted," Xing Yan glanced at Qin Fang as he said this, his voice low.


 "At first I wanted to date you, but by that time, I kind of didn't want to anymore. The things you said on my birthday made me a bit reluctant. You being muddled like that was pretty good. With my personality, I'm not really suited for dating. Dating would just lead to ruin. It was better to stay bros or not bros. You were too good."


 Qin Fang raised his eyebrows and said, "Too late."


 "Yeah, too late," Xing Yan nodded. "Fang-ge is too domineering. I couldn't back out anymore."


 "Nonsense," Qin Fang laughed. "My heart was already moved. Where could you back out to? If you backed out, I would just turn around and chase you."

Picking Up Stars

Picking Up Stars

Chapter 70 - Chapter 60

Windwalker