Chapter 34

Han Fangchi had seriously dated Xiao Quan for over two years with marriage in mind. Since their breakup, he hadn't dated anyone, or even had the thought of wanting to be in a relationship. He had absolutely no desire to meet the suitable girls others introduced to him.

He had always been a devoted person. In He Lezhi's eyes, although Han Fangchi didn't say anything, perhaps he had never been able to let go of Xiao Quan and hadn't yet sorted out his own heart to start a new relationship.

“I really hope he can live well, the kind of well where life is stable and he's happy every day,” Xiao Quan said. “He's the only ex-boyfriend who, whenever I think of him, makes my heart feel empty.”

“I hope so too.” After He Lezhi spoke, he joked, “Are you finding it hard to let go?”

“Who could bear to let him go!” Xiao Quan said frankly. “The breakup almost killed me from crying. While I cried, my mom would scold me, and her scolding made me cry even more. It was endless.”

Xiao Quan said it lightly, her tone a little exaggerated. Although He Lezhi smiled, thinking of how she must have felt back then, he knew she must have been very sad.

“At that time, I even thought, if he came looking for me, I wouldn't break up with him. We'd just let it be, get married, and live our lives. A lifetime passes in the blink of an eye, anyway.” Xiao Quan took a sip of her tea, put down the cup, and let out a breath. She said to He Lezhi, “But he really never came.”

As Xiao Quan spoke with a smile, her eyes were red. He Lezhi looked at the girl before him, not knowing what to say, only feeling a pang of heartache for her.

“To this day, I still don't know if the reason he never came to find me was because he was angry, or because he never cared that much to begin with,” Xiao Quan said. “A girl’s little thoughts, haha, I was afraid he would come, and also afraid he wouldn't.”

“It couldn't be because he didn't care, I think.” Although He Lezhi had no idea what Han Fangchi actually thought, he said it anyway.

“That's just how he is. Everyone said we were a good match, but in reality, we weren't at all,” Xiao Quan recalled. “Sometimes, I really wanted to pick a fight with him, but it was impossible. He never did anything wrong, so any emotion I showed just seemed like I was being unreasonable. And when I did say something, even if I was truly in the wrong, he would listen with perfect emotional stability and say he would pay attention in the future. Over time, I became very stable too, but I felt like that wasn't the real me.”

He Lezhi looked at her and nodded, indicating he was listening. He suddenly realized that the Han Fangchi he heard about from others deviated from the image he held in his own heart.

“Do you know that feeling, Lezhi?” Xiao Quan thought for a moment before saying, “On one hand, I felt very happy, but on the other, I felt like I could already see myself at sixty or seventy. It was as if my life had been shortened. I would be a doctor's wife, get married as expected, have a child, and grow old peacefully. It made me feel so conflicted; I looked forward to marriage, yet I resisted it. I liked Fangchi and knew he was wonderful, but I was always trying to find his faults so I could justifiably be dissatisfied with him, but I never could.”

“Have you talked about these things with Fangchi?” He Lezhi asked her.

“No, except for the time we broke up.” Xiao Quan laughed self-deprecatingly. “How could I talk about it? If I did and he asked me what I wanted him to do, I wouldn't have an answer. I can't possibly want him to be less emotionally stable, for his life to be less routine, or for him to lose his temper with me occasionally, right? That's not what I want either. I can't accurately describe these feelings. Even now, my mom still doesn't understand me.”

He Lezhi refilled her cup of tea and asked, “What about after the breakup? Do you like your life now?”

Xiao Quan thought for a moment and replied, “I like it very much.”

“Then it was worth it. You didn't do anything wrong, you're a really good person.” He Lezhi smiled at her. “You could talk to Fangchi. If he doesn't blame you, then you don't have to feel like you owe him anything. I'm sure he doesn't blame you.”

“Thank you, Lezhi,” Xiao Quan said seriously. “You must be a very good partner. Xiao Hei is so lucky.”

He Lezhi chuckled, shook his head and said, "We broke up."

Xiao Quan's eyes immediately widened.

“We broke up last year,” He Lezhi said.

When Xiao Quan heard He Lezhi nonchalantly state the reason for their breakup, she spent the next ten minutes forgetting all her previous emotions about her ex-boyfriend and was simply consumed by anger.

“You wait, I'll introduce you to someone good!” Xiao Quan said furiously. “Xiao Hei, I really misjudged him.”

He Lezhi said with a smile, “No need, no need. I'm fine being single right now!”

“Tell me when you feel like dating again, but don't wait too long,” Xiao Quan reminded him. “If you're too late, there won't be any left.”

“Okay.” He Lezhi didn't know whether to laugh or cry. “I will.”

Xiao Quan was going to Europe this year to continue her studies. She would be around for a while before leaving again.

Before parting, Xiao Quan asked, “Does he have a girlfriend now, or is he seeing someone? If he does, I won't contact him. It wouldn't be appropriate, haha. An ex-girlfriend coming back to contact you is so annoying, just thinking about it is suffocating.”

“No,” He Lezhi said. “Don't worry, don't worry.”

“Is your information accurate? What if he actually has someone and you just don't know?” Xiao Quan said.

“It's accurate. I'm very sure,” He Lezhi said.

Xiao Quan was a kind and respectable girl. From beginning to end, she constantly emphasized that Fangchi was not at fault in any way. She didn't complain in the slightest, nor did she point out anything Han Fangchi had done wrong. She only said that she herself was contrary and conflicted, afraid of being tied down by marriage, and wanted freedom more.

Even though in He Lezhi's heart Han Fangchi was also perfect, he knew that in that past relationship, Fangchi must have had his shortcomings. His perfection in He Lezhi's eyes was born from his own selfish feelings and bias, but there was no such thing as an absolutely perfect lover in this world. That included Fangchi, and it included himself.

“I saw Xiao Quan'er today.”

The wine cabinet next to Han Fangchi's dining table originally had a sensor light strip installed, which would light up automatically when someone approached. It hadn't been working for some time.

He Lezhi bought a new light strip and was sitting cross-legged on the floor, surrounded by miscellaneous items that had been taken out of the cabinet.

The value of an engineering guy was maximized at times like this. If anything in the house broke, he was especially good at taking it apart and fixing it, particularly electronics.

“How is she?” Han Fangchi sat on a dining chair next to him, watching him fix it.

“She's doing well.” He Lezhi added, “We talked about you.”

“What about me?” Han Fangchi's tone sounded quite calm.

“Talked badly about you,” He Lezhi said.

Han Fangchi: “Did she say it or did you?”

He Lezhi: “We both did.”

“Do I have that many bad things for you two to talk about?” Han Fangchi raised an eyebrow. “Give me an example.”

“You're too much of a typical straight guy.” He Lezhi's head was almost inside the cabinet, reaching for the sensor inside as he spoke. “You don't know what others are thinking.”

Han Fangchi grunted "mm."

“You lack romance,” He Lezhi added. “You need to use your brain more, create some surprises for a girl once in a while. Otherwise, how can you prove you like her?”

Han Fangchi thought in silence for a while, then said, “I did.”

“Then you didn't do it enough,” He Lezhi said.

“Mm.” Han Fangchi nodded.

“You have to let her know that getting married won't change anything. If she doesn't want to have kids, she doesn't have to; if she doesn't want to do something, she doesn't have to do it.” He Lezhi detached the sensor from inside and nearly bumped his head on the cabinet door as he looked up. Han Fangchi subconsciously put out a hand to block it, and He Lezhi went back to straightening the thin wire. “After getting married, she is first and foremost herself, not someone's wife.”

Han Fangchi said, “I'm sure I did that.”

“Then you did it too much,” He Lezhi said. “If nothing changes, why would someone get married? You have no needs at all, doesn't that mean it wouldn't matter who you married, since you don't need anything anyway?”

“I...” Han Fangchi looked at him, a little lost for words. No matter what, he was wrong.

“It takes courage to transition from one identity to another, and you failed to provide enough security.” He Lezhi looked up and said to him, “Don't always be so passive. You need to know what the other person needs. If you can't figure it out, then ask. Even if it's just a small emotion, ask immediately. Don't let things pile up. Once too much has piled up, it becomes impossible to say.”

Just as he was about to stick his head back in, Han Fangchi placed his hand against the cabinet door, and He Lezhi's forehead brushed against the back of his hand.

“I asked a few times,” Han Fangchi said.

“And then?” He Lezhi said.

“There was no 'and then',” Han Fangchi said.

“You asked, which emphasized her feelings, but then you didn't resolve anything. You might as well have not asked. It just made her feel more helpless,” He Lezhi said.

He Lezhi was naturally more sensitive and delicate than these thick-skinned straight guys. He was also very empathetic and could easily sympathize with others, so he probably understood what girls needed better.

“Sometimes you have to fight for it.”

He Lezhi looked at Han Fangchi's hand resting above him and said, “If you care, you have to tell her. Don't be stubborn.”

At first, Han Fangchi still responded a little, but later he fell silent, just listening while watching him.

When He Lezhi finished the repair, he coiled the old light strip in his hand and squatted up to clean up the things on the floor.

He looked up at Han Fangchi, smiled, and said, “Everything I just said was from me, not from Xiao Quan'er. She only said you did nothing wrong and that you're a really, really good person.”

Han Fangchi remained silent, as if in thought.

“I also think you're a really, really good person. I know you're not at fault, you just weren't that compatible.” He Lezhi squatted there, squatted in front of Han Fangchi, and looked at him. “This is all just my speculation from my perspective. I don't know how much of it is on point. Maybe you already did well enough.”

He held Han Fangchi's gaze and said gently, “But there aren't that many 'perfect fits' in the world. I just hope you can be very, very, very happy.”

That weekend, Han Fangchi and Xiao Quan met.

He Lezhi didn't ask what they talked about or how it went, and Han Fangchi didn't say either.

Over the weekend, He Lezhi was called by Ning Ken to play a game of badminton with them. He went by himself and was on Ning Ken's team. After the game, he went back to He Qi's house, and He Qi asked why Fangchi hadn't come.

“Xiao Quan'er is back.” He Lezhi said with a smile. “Those two have plans this weekend.”

“His ex-girlfriend?” He Qi asked.

“Yes,” He Lezhi said.

On Wednesday of the following week, Han Fangchi and Xiao Quan met again.

He Lezhi ate dinner by himself, and then went out for a run in the evening.

After that, Han Fangchi worked overtime for two consecutive days. On Friday night, He Lezhi went directly back to He Qi's house and didn't return for the whole weekend.

Intimacy needs to be maintained. Making it disappear is also very easy.

It only takes a week to break a habit, and then you slowly adapt to a new one.

By the time Han Fangchi slowly realized that traces of He Lezhi were fading from his life, he had already gone more than a week without eating He Lezhi's breakfast.

Instead, there were now more breakfast ingredients at home. He Lezhi's explanation was that he discovered the breakfast at his work cafeteria was quite good, so Han Fangchi should handle his own breakfast from now on.

He also couldn't eat with He Lezhi every day anymore. He Lezhi said cooking was a bit of a hassle and he didn't want to do it.

Han Fangchi: “I'll cook, what do you want to eat?”

He Lezhi replied to him: “How about tomorrow? I'm eating at work today. Let's have beef and asparagus tomorrow, hehe.”

Every time Han Fangchi saw him, he felt that nothing had changed—his attitude and tone were the same as always. It was just the frequency of their meetings that was decreasing. He could no longer have dinner with him without arranging it beforehand, and He Lezhi no longer dropped by Han Fangchi's place in his loungewear and slippers when he had free time in the evening.

He seemed to be quietly retracting their relationship, erasing the traces that were slightly unusual compared to a normal friendship.

He was still in the same place, seemingly maintaining the status quo.

But some things were draining away at a speed invisible to the naked eye.

This made Han Fangchi feel a familiar sense of confusion and helplessness.

In the past, Han Fangchi had watched little by little as He Lezhi became more and more like a regular friend in his life. He couldn't grasp him, nor did he know how to make him stay.

Back then, he had watched He Lezhi walk away, just as now he could clearly feel He Lezhi's intentional withdrawal.

This gave Han Fangchi a feeling of unsteadiness, as if he couldn't find solid ground.

Those feelings that enveloped him, that he had grown attached to, were disappearing.