"I..."

Before Zhuang Fanxin could get a complete sentence out, a large group of boys from Class 3 swarmed over, some holding soda bottles, others brandishing stainless steel trays, looking for all the world like they were ready for a gang fight.

The crowd blocked the way, but they didn't see those demons from the basketball team. They only saw Gu Zhuoyan and Zhuang Fanxin standing opposite each other, the atmosphere seemingly a little sad. Zhuang Fanxin was startled awake, took a step back, glanced at Gu Zhuoyan before turning his face away, then turned and ran.

Gu Zhuoyan swayed, aggrieved. He had said so much, his attitude like soft jade in a gentleman's hand, his posture lowered to the dust. Even a stubborn rock would have trembled slightly.

Zhuang Fanxin did tremble, the tip of his nose suddenly turning red, yet he ran off again without saying anything. Looking at this group of "culprits," Gu Zhuoyan said powerlessly, "Everyone, just disperse."

The Sports Committee Member asked, "What's going on? I clearly saw you with the guys from the basketball team?"

Gu Zhuoyan didn't understand what was going on either. He just said it was nothing, crushed the cigarette butt, and returned to the classroom for the noon break with a frigid expression. As he entered, he saw Zhuang Fanxin lying on his desk with headphones in, seemingly even more determined to avoid him.

The stalemate lasted until school let out. Zhuang Fanxin packed his bag and water bottle early, and the moment the bell rang, he bolted. Xia Wei chased after him, scolding, "So impatient and restless."

Gu Zhuoyan knew exactly what was happening and didn't give chase, afraid that Zhuang Fanxin, pedaling his bike in a panic, might take a wrong turn and get into some trouble. He deliberately went slowly, arriving at the small intersection a quarter of an hour later than usual, where he ran into Zhuang Xianyang getting off work. The man was on the phone, saying something about doing his homework properly.

"Uncle, is that Fanxin?"

"It is. He said he's going to a friend's house for the night."

Zhuang Fanxin went to find Pei Zhi, buying a KFC family bucket on the way. When he entered, he pretended to be a happy guest. The house was quiet; Pei Zhi's grandmother had been invited to Shanghai for an academic exchange, so it was just the two of them.

Having just returned to the country, there was a huge pile of missed coursework. Pei Zhi asked, "Did you come to see me about something?"

Zhuang Fanxin nodded, his meek and submissive look more pitiful than a homeless person in an underpass. He had thought it over and felt lucky to have a gay friend like Pei Zhi, so he came over for some counseling. Pei Zhi was hungry. He opened the family bucket himself, took a spicy wing, and said, "Don't you like McDonald's?"

"I'm not eating at McDonald's anymore." Zhuang Fanxin was traumatized by the place where the misunderstanding had originated.

He took a sip of coke and finally managed to get the words out, "I have a friend, a guy, and another guy confessed to him recently. He doesn't know what to do."

Pei Zhi paused mid-bite on his spicy wing. "Who confessed to you?"

Pfft. Zhuang Fanxin sprayed out a mouthful of coke. "What does it have to do with me! Don't guess wildly! It's my friend!" After his flash of anger born from embarrassment, he worried he might have angered the other boy and his tone softened again. "You have experience, you should help me... I mean, my friend."

Pei Zhi said, "What experience do I have? If he's not gay, then refuse. If he is gay but doesn't like the guy, refuse. If he has good feelings, then try developing them."

"That's the problem," Zhuang Fanxin said in a low voice. "He's not sure if he's gay, uh."

Pei Zhi threw away the chicken bone, wiped his hands, and cupped his chin, looking at him as if he were a moron. Zhuang Fanxin, abashed and awkward, explained that this friend had never been in a relationship or liked anyone. He was usually just busy with drawing, studying, and pulling weeds, and didn't even play many games.

After explaining, he froze for a moment, seemingly having exposed himself. Pei Zhi asked with great interest, "So who exactly confessed to you? Was it your neighbor?"

Zhuang Fanxin said in shock, "How did you know it was him?!"

Pei Zhi smiled. That time when Gu Zhuoyan was modeling in the art studio, he had kept staring at Zhuang Fanxin. Pei Zhi had felt that gaze was unusual even then. During the competition, Zhuang Fanxin had made one overseas call after another back home, day and night. If Gu Zhuoyan didn't like him, how would he have the patience to be on standby at all hours?

None of it was surprising. Pei Zhi asked in return, "Why are you still thinking so much?"

How could he not think about it? Zhuang Fanxin wasn't sure if he was gay, and this wasn't something he could be careless about. What if he wasn't? Wouldn't that be deceiving a gay person's feelings?

Pei Zhi asked, "What did you feel back then when you saw me kissing a guy?"

Zhuang Fanxin recalled being both shocked and scared. For one, it was completely unexpected, and for another, Pei Zhi had always been gentle and sensible, so that scene was almost subversive. After answering, he looked nervously at Pei Zhi, like a patient presenting symptoms to a doctor, waiting for a diagnosis.

Pei Zhi was silent for a moment but didn't pass judgment. Instead, he asked again, "Do you know what it feels like to like someone?"

Zhuang Fanxin was about to die. "I don't know."

He was seventeen, so he vaguely understood a little, but for some reason, he wanted to hear Pei Zhi say it. Pei Zhi looked at him and said, "Liking someone seems invisible and intangible, but it's actually very real. You'll want to see him. You're happy when you see him and you miss him when you don't. You want to tell him when you're happy or sad. You can't help but pay attention to him, care about him. If something happens to him, you're more nervous than anyone. When he's close to you, you won't feel repulsed, your heart will just beat too fast. Physical reactions never lie. And when he ignores you... you'll know that feeling once you've had a taste of it."

This speech was long and rambling, and every sentence was like a nail hammered into Zhuang Fanxin's body, pinning him to the spot, making his whole body tense and rigid. Pei Zhi lowered his eyes, his voice also dropping to a husky whisper, "If he's about to leave..."

Zhuang Fanxin suddenly went limp. That was Pei Zhi's sore spot, but he seemed to feel it just as deeply. He still remembered the feeling from today when Gu Zhuoyan said he would be leaving in a year.

The two of them took a moment to recover. Then, Zhuang Fanxin confessed everything: the misunderstanding between him and Gu Zhuoyan from start to finish, how he had been hiding these past two days, what Gu Zhuoyan had said at noon—he left nothing out. The image of Gu Zhuoyan smoking involuntarily surfaced in his mind, making his nose sting and his heart ache. He felt like such a scumbag.

After sleeping at Pei Zhi's house for a night, Zhuang Fanxin went to school the next day and saw Gu Zhuoyan getting out of a taxi at the school gate. Gu Zhuoyan was holding a book. He looked up and saw him, paused for a moment, and then strode through the school gate.

Zhuang Fanxin pushed his bike through the crowd. He didn't need to make an effort to hide; Gu Zhuoyan was avoiding him on his own accord. But he didn't feel the slightest bit of relief or ease. A bicycle wheel bumped into his calf from behind, someone forcefully stole his spot in the bike shed, and while climbing the stairs in the Science Building, he was knocked into the handrail by several roughhousing boys.

Zhuang Fanxin walked distractedly to the classroom and entered through the back door, his gaze landing squarely on the last desk. He didn't walk around it. He trudged over and stopped silently beside Gu Zhuoyan's desk. The other boy was reading with his head down. In a low voice, he asked, "Are you going to take a taxi from now on?"

Gu Zhuoyan grunted an "en." "I can read for a while on the way."

The bell rang. Zhuang Fanxin went to the podium to lead the morning reading. His gaze was uncontrollable, always drifting involuntarily to the back, while Gu Zhuoyan was like an iron wall, his eyes lowered for the entire morning.

Zhuang Fanxin could barely stand it. He wanted to poke Gu Zhuoyan's thigh when he passed his seat, to at least break the stalemate. But after waiting for four or five class breaks, he realized that Gu Zhuoyan even took a detour down the other aisle just to get water.

He wanted to use collecting homework as an excuse to talk, but Gu Zhuoyan passed his homework forward early. He grabbed a broom and pretended to sweep, but Gu Zhuoyan got up and hid in the hallway. During gym class, he held a basketball and used forming a team as a pretext, but Gu Zhuoyan just sat under a tree with a vocabulary book, not even participating in gym activities anymore!

Gu Zhuoyan was true to his word. He didn't ride his bike, didn't approach Zhuang Fanxin. It was like this at school, and at home, he also vanished without a trace. Zhuang Fanxin was so full of regret his intestines could have turned black and blue. He didn't even know how he got through the week. He endured until Friday, and at noon in the cafeteria, he finally found an opportunity and plopped down next to Gu Zhuoyan.

Two clay pot rice dishes were steaming. Zhuang Fanxin said nervously, "You're having the beef brisket one too, what a coincidence."

Gu Zhuoyan stirred the rice grains with his spoon and took a bite. The rice and meat, freshly cooked in the clay pot, were hot enough to numb his mouth. Zhuang Fanxin was so shocked he grabbed Gu Zhuoyan's arm and couldn't help but shout, "Are you crazy! It's hot! Spit it out!"

There was no water on the table. Zhuang Fanxin snatched the drink Qi Nan had just bought, but Gu Zhuoyan didn't take it. He shoveled in a few more mouthfuls of the scorching beef on his own, wiped his mouth and said, "I'm full. I'm heading back to the classroom."

Zhuang Fanxin froze there, as if struck by lightning. He didn't come back to his senses until the whole pot of rice had gone cold. To be avoided to this extent... perhaps Gu Zhuoyan resented him for not agreeing, was annoyed with him, hated him, and there was no longer any 'like' to speak of.

He guessed wildly, and when he thought of this, he felt scared.

Gu Zhuoyan rested his head on his arms for the noon break. His mouth was sore and numb; he'd burned a layer of skin off his tongue. He took a nap, and when he woke up, there was a box of watermelon frost, a box of mint lozenges, and a box of xylitol on the corner of his desk. It seemed like a desperate attempt to treat an illness, and also like his concern had thrown him into a panic.

He lifted his eyes, and a head twisted around in the third row quickly snapped back.

Zhuang Fanxin had sat in the cafeteria until he'd lost all hope. When he returned to the classroom and saw Gu Zhuoyan's scalded red lips, he forgot everything and promptly went to the school clinic to get a few boxes of medicine. It was only when he put them on the desk that he noticed Gu Zhuoyan wasn't wearing the bracelet he had given him.

And when he ignores you... you'll know that feeling once you've had a taste of it.

He knew now.

During evening self-study, the subject representatives handed out review worksheets. Xia Wei sat behind the podium and talked about the mid-term exam schedule. His gaze swept over to Zhuang Fanxin and he said, "You've missed quite a few classes, and you won't be able to catch up right away. How have you felt in class this week?"

Zhuang Fanxin answered honestly, "I don't really understand."

Xia Wei was worried too. He suddenly remembered that Gu Zhuoyan and Zhuang Fanxin were neighbors and asked, "Gu Zhuoyan, if you have time this weekend, could you help Zhuang Fanxin catch up on his studies?"

Zhuang Fanxin clutched his pen. The gap while he waited for an answer felt longer than an entire class period. In the end, Gu Zhuoyan said okay. He said it very casually, as if he had no choice since Xia Wei had asked, and had to agree even if he was unwilling.

After school, Gu Zhuoyan was still doing worksheets. Zhuang Fanxin waited while doing his own workbook, but he was a little scared. He'd do a few problems and then turn his head to look, afraid Gu Zhuoyan would leave him behind.

The other students gradually left, and the hallway became silent. They were the only two left in the classroom, and the hallway outside was silent. Gu Zhuoyan finished the last problem and called it a day. He stood up in front of his desk to pack his bag. Just as he zipped it up, Zhuang Fanxin ambled over, his steps hesitant, full of cautious probing.

"Shall we go?" He didn't dare to ask loudly.

Gu Zhuoyan said, "I'll go turn off the lights. Help me empty the water."

Zhuang Fanxin had thought Gu Zhuoyan wouldn't acknowledge him. His eyes lit up, like a neglected puppy that had regained its owner's affection. But he's cockier than a puppy. He didn't say anything, just unscrewed his water bottle and poured the remaining water into a potted plant on the windowsill.

One by one, the lights dimmed, leaving only one lamp casting a faint glow. After Zhuang Fanxin finished pouring the water, he heard Gu Zhuoyan's footsteps approach. He turned and said, "Let's go together—"

The last syllable turned into a cry of surprise. Zhuang Fanxin's body felt light as he was lifted up, his arms subconsciously wrapping around Gu Zhuoyan's neck. Gu Zhuoyan placed him on the windowsill, pinning him there, pushing his knees apart and wedging himself between his legs, blocking him in. His features were made even more profound by the stark light.

Zhuang Fanxin was stunned. "What's wrong?"

Gu Zhuoyan said, "Let's talk."

That tone was cold, not matching their current intimate posture. Zhuang Fanxin was afraid Gu Zhuoyan would let go of him the next second, so he held on tighter. Gu Zhuoyan propped both hands on the windowsill. "What else are you dissatisfied with?"

Zhuang Fanxin was pressed against the glass window. "I'm not."

"You're not? You don't like me, I won't force you. You avoid me and don't want to see me, so I avoid you too for your comfort. But in the end, you come eagerly provoking me again. What exactly do you want?"

Zhuang Fanxin said in a panic, "I haven't figured it out—"

"By the time you figure it out, Taiwan will have reunified, won't it?" Gu Zhuoyan's tone changed, becoming arrogant and forceful, like an interrogation under torture. "Back then, you weren't sure of the reason for my transfer but said you knew, causing me to misunderstand. Afterwards, thinking you knew it all already, you were disregarded propriety, repeatedly acting cute and spoiled, making physical contact, and verbally flirting, causing me to fall deeper and deeper. If you have any conscience, you should take responsibility for me."

Zhuang Fanxin was dumbfounded. "I—"

"But you're just a little heartless thing. You run faster than a rabbit and hide deeper than a gopher. Am I that unbearable to you? If you can't stand it, then say so plainly. Just throw 'I don't like you' at me. Do you think I'd keep pestering you endlessly?"

"It's not—"

"Not what? You avoid me like the plague. So I should take the hint and not make you so tired because of me. I'll stay away from you, alright? I'll stay far away. I fucking like you, and avoiding you even once is torture, yet you come close again. Are all you people from Rong City this heartless?"

A string of rebukes was thrown at him. Zhuang Fanxin's pent-up frustration from the past few days finally erupted. "I don't want you to avoid me!"

"Then what the hell do you want me to do?!"

Gu Zhuoyan roared, the veins on his forehead bulging. For the first time, he lost control, his eyes wide with hysteria. Zhuang Fanxin was stunned by his ferocity, and the rims of his eyes turned red. Gu Zhuoyan lowered his head, pressing his forehead against Zhuang Fanxin's, then reached out a finger to tap on Zhuang Fanxin's chest and pressed gently.

After the ferocity, only tenderness remained. Gu Zhuoyan asked, "Clearly, you care about me. When will you admit it?"

The corners of Zhuang Fanxin's eyes were moist. "...Did you burn yourself today?"

Gu Zhuoyan was slow to react for a few seconds, then he pulled Zhuang Fanxin into his arms, holding him so tightly there wasn't a single gap between them. He tilted his head and sealed Zhuang Fanxin's lips with his own.

He ground his scalded lips and tongue against Zhuang Fanxin's cool ones, making them warm and soft, and then faintly hot. He held him tight and caressed him until he went pliant, as if to suck dry even the air in his mouth with every sip and smack. Zhuang Fanxin was kissed until his limbs went weak and he couldn't breathe, his heart beating so hard it felt like it would shatter its valves.

After a long time, they separated. He rested on Gu Zhuoyan's shoulder, trembling slightly, saliva trickling from the corner of his mouth.

"If I admit it now, is it too late?"