Love and Hate - His Love and Hate No Longer Concern Me

The shadows of the trees stirred. A leaf drifted down, landing on a shoulder, only to be carelessly brushed away.

"This morning, the carriage from the Regent's Manor left the city, heading in the direction of Fengling," the person said. "I'm very curious, when you see him again, how will you feel?"

Opposite him, Shen Mengzhi was watering the Lingzhi Mushroom. Ever since Chu Jin left, this pot of Lingzhi Mushroom had been moved here from the Xuan Study. Separated by several miles, perhaps it was unaccustomed to the new environment or something else, but it was withered. No matter how meticulously he cared for it, it could not be restored to its former state.

He looked worriedly at the precious Lingzhi Mushroom, put down the watering can, and sighed, "How do you think I should feel?"

The other person sneered. "Seeing an old friend, shouldn't you be overjoyed? I hear Chu Jin still doesn't know your identity and is bent on reconciling with you."

He enunciated the words "reconciling with you" heavily. A ripple finally crossed Shen Mengzhi's calm face. The man seemed to want to see him show any expression other than indifference, as if tearing off a mask of tranquility to brutally expose the crumbling ruin within.

He tugged at the corner of his mouth and continued to torment his former friend with words laced with malice. "He thinks the person he loves is pure and detached from worldly affairs, that the grudges of nation and family have nothing to do with you. That's why when he destroyed Yanling, he truly felt no burden. What a pity. The person he wanted to protect just so happens to be his sworn enemy—shouldn't we call this his retribution?"

"If he knew who you were, do you think he would still like you? Do you think he would still take you away?"

'Would he?'

Shen Mengzhi stared at the drooping Lingzhi Mushroom in his hands, somewhat lost in thought.

After a long moment, he closed his eyes wearily and said, "He wouldn't."

"I won't go with him. After this is over, I will leave. Isn't this what you want?" Shen Mengzhi said. "It was all planned from that rainy night you came to find me, wasn't it? Qi Yu."

The person opposite him finally revealed himself. Once a young master from a prestigious family who would wear nothing but the finest Sichuan brocade in the world, he was now dressed in coarse sackcloth, like a shattered piece of jade that had lost all its brilliance—plain, ordinary, and devoid of any luster.

The ways of the world seemed to have worn away this idle young master's pride and temperament. His face no longer held a trace of its former spirit, and was instead shrouded in gloom.

Qi Yu smiled, but it was exceptionally sarcastic. "After the War of Yan-Qin, you were severely injured and near death, completely disheartened. You returned to the academy to recuperate and no longer involved yourself in worldly affairs. I swore an oath that I would never come looking for you again, to leave you in peace."

Shen Mengzhi remained silent.

"I originally intended to keep my promise. But Chu Jin—he is still alive—"

As if recalling something painful, Qi Yu uttered that name, practically grinding his teeth.

"The War of Yan-Qin started because of his death. Since he was alive, why didn't he stand up and say so!"

His breathing suddenly quickened. "Why did he wait eight years, wait until the dust had settled, wait until our nations were destroyed and our families lost, wait until everything was irreversible, to step on the blood of you, me, everyone, the tens of millions of people of Yanling, and ascend to his throne as Prince Regent? Why did he hide so secretively? Was it because he didn't dare to face us?!"

Why?

Those eight years of flashing blades and flying shadows, those eight years of dripping blood, those eight years of wanting to die from the pain—just why?

A sudden pain stabbed at his heart, making even his breaths tremble in agony. He too had once pondered the question that plagued Qi Yu, but in the end, he had discovered it was simply unsolvable.

"How could you not understand," Shen Mengzhi murmured. "Even if it wasn't because of him, Old Qin would have found a thousand other reasons to wage war on Yanling. Even if he were alive, the war would not have stopped. Old Qin didn't care at all whether he lived or died."

Those eight years of war and chaos were merely obtained by a nation at the cost of its beloved's life. To them, this price was not worth mentioning, but to him, it was a weight so heavy it pained him to the bone.

Shen Mengzhi said slowly, "It's not that you don't understand. You just can't find the right person to hate..."

Before the last word could fall, a fierce gust of wind rushed past, sending his hair flying. A pair of hands mercilessly grabbed his collar and shoved him hard against the wall.

His back hit the cold, hard wall with a dull thud, and a wave of pain spread through him. Yet Shen Mengzhi didn't even frown. His eyes remained calm as he looked at Qi Yu without flinching.

"You're still speaking up for him," Qi Yu said coldly. "Was your past friendship so deep that even after the entire Shen Family died because of him, you still can't forget him?"

Shen Mengzhi's fingers suddenly stiffened. His pupils shrank to pinpricks, and his breathing fell into disarray. But this lasted only for a brief moment before he calmed down.

"No, it wasn't because of him." His voice was low, yet exceptionally firm. "I told you, it wasn't him. This has nothing to do with him."

Shen Mengzhi raised his head to meet Qi Yu's gaze, an utterly calm killing intent in the depths of his eyes.

"I know who it was. The person who framed the Shen Family—I will kill him with my own hands."

Qi Yu stared at him for a long time. After a long moment, he finally let go.

"Then what about me?" He gave a somewhat neurotic laugh, then covered his face with his hands in the next moment. "Yanling has fallen, my family is gone, my father's whereabouts are unknown, and I'm living like a stray dog, just barely surviving. Tell me, who should I hate? Who can I hate?"

"I've gone mad! I hate Old Qin, I hate those who looked on with cold indifference, and I hate my own useless self!"

Qi Yu suddenly looked up, grabbing Shen Mengzhi's shoulders with urgency and agitation.

"You're the same as me, right?" he raised his voice. "Right?!"

Shen Mengzhi's fingers suddenly clenched. He shook his head and said, "Qi Yu, don't become like that."

He had gone through the same experiences as Qi Yu, and because of that, he knew all too well what it meant to be consumed by hatred.

In his eyes, Qi Yu saw his current self—eyes bloodshot, face contorted in agony, looking like a malevolent spirit.

"There's no going back..." he screamed himself hoarse. "There's no going back!"

"Why can you always be so calm? Why don't you hate? Why haven't you become this wretched thing that's neither human nor ghost like me! Shen Mengzhi, do you even have a heart?!"

Shen Mengzhi's gaze went past him, landing on the pot of gardenias whose leaves and branches were trembling from the earlier commotion.

He lowered his eyes slightly and murmured, "I have hated before. I've hated many people, my heart so full of hatred that I could see nothing else. But what was the result?"

"The person I wanted to kill is still alive and well. What I wanted to protect became a joke. And the person I wanted to keep... I couldn't keep him either."

"I do have a heart... But why don't any of you believe me?"

The sword wound on his abdomen began to ache faintly again, as if reminding him of his fate that year when he was nearly shattered to pieces.

A sword wound, a body of frail health.

"Look, this is what I got." Shen Mengzhi looked up at Qi Yu with a faint smile. "Qi Yu, don't become like me."

Qi Yu dazedly let go, suddenly feeling as if all his strength had left him, and collapsed to the ground.

Shen Mengzhi squatted down to meet his gaze and said in a low voice, "One cannot live in the past, Qi Yu. It's too painful."

"The grudges of nation and family must be avenged." His voice and expression were calm, like freshly melted snow in winter. "But are you truly certain who the instigator of all this is?"

"You cannot slaughter every single person in Old Qin; the common people are innocent. You cannot force all your hatred onto one person; that will only make you sink deeper."

Qi Yu shot his head up. "Are you saying I've hated the wrong person? That I shouldn't hate Chu Jin? Wasn't everything he did for his Great Qin?! He's the Prince Regent, such a supreme position!"

Shen Mengzhi held his breath, a trace of bewilderment finally appearing in his eyes.

"I don't know," he repeated. "I don't know."

He believed his death back then had been used by someone, and he also believed Chu Jin would not harm Yanling. But the title of Prince Regent was like an invisible, intangible barrier, making him unapproachable and indistinct.

He truly... could no longer see Chu Jin clearly.

All that seemingly beautiful tenderness was nothing more than an illusion, shattering at the slightest touch. He could feel that a greater ambition was hidden in that person's heart.

Shen Mengzhi was silent for a few breaths, then said calmly, "I will go see for myself. If he is truly as you say... I will kill him."

Hearing this, Qi Yu froze for a moment. He looked at Shen Mengzhi, and after a while, he laughed with utter absurdity. "Tell me, wouldn't it have been better if he had really died eight years ago?"

Then his own hands wouldn't have to be stained with the blood of a former classmate. How ridiculous.

"At first, I hated Chu Jin, and by extension, I hated you too," he said. "Chu Jin could ignore anyone, but he would never ignore you. So I broke my promise and came to the academy to find you. I told you he was alive because I wanted to use you against him."

Qi Yu paused, then laughed. "...When did I become so despicable?"

A tremor went through Shen Mengzhi's eyes.

"That day, you agreed. You agreed to stay by his side as Jiang Zhen. I said it was so you could monitor him, but that wasn't the whole truth." Qi Yu looked at him, an indescribable feeling in his voice. "What I want is for him to fall in love with you again, to hold nothing back from you. And in the end, I want him to watch with his own eyes as this Great Qin of his is destroyed because of him. I want him to experience the feeling of having absolutely nothing."

"For him, that would surely be the most painful punishment."

Shen Mengzhi's fingers began to tremble uncontrollably. He clenched his fists with all his might, so hard his knuckles turned white.

He realized with despair that from the moment he appeared before Chu Jin, these events were inevitable. Chu Jin was destined to fall for him, destined to be deceived by him, and in the end, everything would be irreversible.

Qi Yu said in a low voice, "At least for now, you are still Jiang Zhen. Under this identity, you are allowed to love him."

Only with this identity, and only because of this identity.

Without the name Jiang Zhen, he was nothing.

Shen Mengzhi let out a light, self-mocking laugh, his voice utterly broken. "...How pitiful I am."

He was to bear Chu Jin's love as Jiang Zhen, and to carry all the hatred as Shen Mengzhi.

When that identity was taken away, all his love and hate would be taken away with it.

The Lingzhi Mushroom on the windowsill, having absorbed enough water, finally showed a slight sign of improvement. But Shen Mengzhi knew that after this brief period of plump moisture, it would quickly wither and shrivel, beyond any hope of recovery.

After being nurtured for so many years, this was still the outcome. It was just a different room, a different person.

If he let his Lingzhi Mushroom die, would Chu Jin hate him? He'd probably be angry again.

Never mind. It no longer mattered.

"Then let him hate me." Shen Mengzhi's gaze fell on the fleshy cap of the Lingzhi Mushroom. "...From now on, his love and his hate will have nothing to do with me."

The author has something to say:

The villainized Qi Yu is currently blinded by hatred. (Zhizhi is caught in a dilemma, clear-headed yet in pain, while only Chuchu is love-struck.)

[Edited on 5.20] This chapter has caused some controversy, so let me explain to avoid misunderstanding: Firstly, Chu is not a villain; he was used as an excuse for the two nations to go to war. He also didn't harm the families of Zhizhi and Qi Yu. There are hidden reasons for his attack on Yanling. Qi Yu can't accept this disparity and misunderstands that Chu planned all this just to become the Prince Regent. He feels betrayed and has focused all his hatred on Chu. Zhizhi has a clear target for revenge, so he is more rational than Qi Yu (definitely not love-struck!). He has more faith in Chu's character but similarly doesn't understand Chu's motives, so he is sinking in while remaining clear-headed. Zhizhi being affectionate with Chu isn't because he has forgotten his hatred or is love-struck; it's part of the plan.

In short, revenge must be taken. They will not be blinded by love. They are all people with principles and rationality.