You're So Unlucky

"I scared you," Cen Zeng replied.

"When you say something like that, you should at least pretend to be embarrassed about being caught." Cheng Shuo practically glared at him. "Like this, I can't see a single bit of apology from you."

Cen Zeng asked, "Is that so? But it seems I'm just this kind of person, the kind who would do something like this."

"Done pretending nothing's wrong?" Cheng Shuo asked him. "I thought you were going to say you just wanted to watch the rain, so you sat there."

The rain was still pattering in, and no one intended to close the window.

"You wouldn't have believed it anyway," Cen Zeng answered. "You seem to know me too well."

"I wouldn't have believed it, but haven't I been playing along with your act all this time?"

"It must have been hard on you."

"It was very hard," Cheng Shuo said. "Holding it all in was also very hard."

He looked at him and said, "Go on, open it."

Cen Zeng took his bag from the table and opened the thick letter.

"Just to be clear..." Cheng Shuo stood by his side. "This is all very strange, but I don't think there's much to explain."

He unfolded it. First, there were three A4 sheets of paper.

On one sheet, ten printed characters—"Cheng Shuo, we're out of eggs, remember to buy some."

Below it was handwritten in familiar, cursive script—Cheng Shuo's script, "What on earth are you thinking?"

The second sheet had only five characters, "Quite unnecessary," to which Cheng Shuo had replied, "Why?"

The third sheet was finally a normal length.

He read it, seeing the final words, "Cen Zeng, best wishes from afar."

Below that was still Cheng Shuo's handwriting: "Full moons and fulfillment are all bullshit. Let go of what? Can't you wish for something I can actually do?"

He finally looked up. "What is this?"

"I'd like to know what this is too," Cheng Shuo said. "I'd also like to know why I remember all of it. And I want to ask you, what do you think this stuff is?"

"A suicide note?" Cen Zeng said. "The third one looks like a suicide note I would write. But it's a bit too gentle."

"You certainly know yourself well," Cheng Shuo let out a laugh. "Then what do you think those first two pages of who-knows-what are?"

"Like I was going crazy," Cen Zeng answered. "My mental state doesn't look very normal."

"Indeed..." Cheng Shuo said. "After all, you killed yourself right after writing them."

Speaking of suicide, there was a numb familiarity. He had truly been worn down by the person before him to the point of losing his fear of death.

Cen Zeng clearly didn't understand, but he didn't plan to explain either. He just waved his hand. "I wrote a long reply, read it yourself."

He wrote, "Cen Zeng, sometimes I feel that this constant rebirth thing is just hilarious. When my mom and dad named me, they definitely didn't expect this. The courage to start anew that 'Shuo' supposedly means could actually be this kind of courage."

"Typing out the three suicide notes you left behind from your three suicides on the computer, I suddenly realized something. It turns out, when you look at it this way, I did get some kind of result after all."

"You probably still don't get it. To be honest, I don't get it either. But I'll try to explain. In short, the reason I know you so well is because you died by my side three times."

"The first time, we were actually just friends with benefits. I said you looked like Xing Ji (by the time you read this letter, I should have explained who he is, right?), asked if you wanted to fool around, and you said yes."

"Then one day I came home to your face, then called an ambulance. Then at the hospital, I watched the doctor pronounce you dead."

"And then, I saw the report. It said you died from an injection of Potassium Chloride. Auntie Zhang was silent by my side; no matter what I asked her, I got no answers."

"I didn't understand, couldn't comprehend. I was just terrified."

"Then, I inexplicably returned to the week before your suicide. I thought it was a chance. Still completely clueless about your indifference, I very powerlessly and foolishly asked you to go for a night run."

"The result was that on the morning of our run, you had already planned to kill yourself in the dorm. I don't understand. We clearly agreed to meet again tomorrow, why did you suddenly hang yourself?"

"What I understand even less is why, at that point, you still had an unsent draft message on your phone telling me that tomorrow might not work."

"But what was lucky for me was that you left all the evidence of how Li Aimin treated you on your computer."

"And you also left a document with just the three big words 'Thank you' written on it."

"Speaking of which, I have to say, when I first hit on you, you told me your name was Wu Yin. That was really bad luck."

"He was the first witness to your hanging, and he even cried his eyes out in front of me, regretting not returning to the dorm sooner."

"But later, when we were fighting the public opinion war with the school, he went and stood on their side, which gave me a huge headache."

"What was that about? Can you make up a luckier name next time?"

"I'm getting sidetracked. The public opinion war was a success, more or less. Senior Sister Xu came forward with her real name. Li Aimin was put under criminal investigation. I felt that I had done right by you."

"Then I went to sleep, and great, I traveled back a month. When I said I wasn't angry anymore, that was a lie. I actually still wanted to blame you."

"But what could I do? I inexplicably know you, inexplicably keep coming back. I can't just give up."

"This time, our relationship got better. So good that I was actually very aware it was just very ambiguous. Strangely ambiguous."

"So ambiguous I didn't even dare to kiss you. I also found Senior Sister Xu in advance, and we started exposing Li Aimin's affairs very early on. From anonymous tips to real-name reporting, he was finally suspended and put under investigation."

"I asked you then, were you satisfied with this outcome?"

"You said you were very satisfied. To be honest, I still felt it wasn't enough. I vaguely sensed something was wrong, but I didn't dare to ask more."

"I thought, since I'd made it to the day after your first suicide, we could just keep on living."

"I didn't dare to ask more, so this time, you even jumped from the rooftop of the laboratory building. You even scheduled a suicide video to be released."

"The video you recorded for the public was indeed very good, very clear, very articulate, and you even remembered to recite an oath. You said you hoped Li Aimin would be brought to justice, but I just stared at the suicide note you left for me, thinking, what on earth are you doing?"

"To others, you wrote apologies. To me, you actually wished me happiness."

"You certainly achieved your goal. Death became a weapon, it really did."

"But I was just busy scattering your ashes in Mohe. You hate spring, so you don't have to remember spring."

"Back then, I told my mom that she would have really liked you. After saying that, I inexplicably added, I really like you too."

"It wasn't the first time I'd been asked what exactly our relationship was."

"The first time you killed yourself, the police thought I was your boyfriend. The second time, my mom thought we were a couple. The third time, I inexplicably said it out loud, and then had nothing more to say. When I went to see Auntie Zhang, she showed me your high school notebooks and told me I could come again if I wanted to."

"Then, after scattering your ashes, I returned to six months ago."

"As I write this letter, we are still just friends. But seeing you this time, when I said I wanted to pursue you, it really wasn't a lie."

"Actually, maybe I shouldn't be telling the current you this. But I can't help it. There are things I want to say to you, things I want to say to the you who is already dead, and things I want to say to the you who is still alive."

"In the end, this has always been between you and me. I can only pour this out to you. I can't hold it in anymore."

"I keep thinking, will it be okay this time?"

"The answer is, I honestly don't know either. I might be the person who knows you best in this world, aside from Auntie Zhang."

"Forced into your destiny, forced to understand you, to be ambiguous with you, to fall for you, to watch the special way you treat me. I don't know what else I can do, but some things just exist as they are."

"You wish for my happiness, and I... I just seem to be hoping you'll live."

"Is it okay to live? Even though it's hard."

A very long letter, with many words written and then crossed out.

He reread it many times.

Then he carefully folded the letter, turned around, and heard himself say, "You're so unlucky."

After he said it, they both laughed.

"I thought you'd at least be moved first," Cheng Shuo pouted. "Just that?"

"I feel more for you," Cen Zeng said. "It's been so hard on you."

[Author's Note]

It must have been tough for everyone to read this far... Writing the second playthrough, I said to Cheng Shuo that it's been hard, and it will be even harder in the future.

To everyone else, I want to say, it will get better. It always gets better.

At least there will be a not particularly formal confession again soon.

Sorry, these two are really not suited for any romantic, happy, gentle, or grand confession scenes.