True Heart

The last time Chen Ziheng was this embarrassed, you'd have to trace it back to the rare occasion he didn't do his winter homework, handed in a blank notebook, and was called to the teacher's office to be exposed on the spot.

"Hello..." He met the other's eyes, adjusted his glasses, and replied almost on instinct, "I'm Chen Ziheng."

Cheng Shuo crossed his arms and sat down beside Cen Zeng. "Are the pleasantries over? If they are, you can leave first."

The words were directed at Chen Ziheng, yet it was Cen Zeng who stood up and started to walk out.

Chen Ziheng, still holding the gift, was hesitating, but Cheng Shuo had already chased after him.

The Public Policy Building was built with a whole wall of floor-to-ceiling windows. A vast expanse of the setting sun poured in, making the two people's shadows intertwine, stretching extremely long.

Cen Zeng walked very fast. Cheng Shuo practically had to run to grab hold of him. "I'm sorry, can you listen to my explanation?"

Cen Zeng kept walking forward.

Cheng Shuo followed behind without a word, following him up the Bell Tower.

The top floor was locked, so they stopped on the platform of the floor below.

"I..." Cheng Shuo regulated his breathing. "I did pursue a friend before who looks a bit like you. But I've already dealt with it, dealt with it before I met you. I was just being an idiot back then, I didn't like him. I just..."

Cen Zeng put down his bag, rested both hands on the railing, and turned his head back.

His face was expressionless, cold like a block of ice again, not even the sunlight could melt it one bit.

"Actually, you could have told me this earlier," Cen Zeng replied.

"I can explain," Cheng Shuo answered. "How about I call him when he wakes up? You can listen on the side. Or I can call now, just wait a moment."

He hastily took out his phone, but the person opposite him shook his head.

"Actually, you could also not explain, or..." Cen Zeng replied, "You should have told me the first time we met."

His tone was very calm, as if he were just saying that the oolong milk foam tea was pretty good, not too sweet.

"I..." Cheng Shuo found himself at a loss for words. "I don't want you to misunderstand, and I don't want you to be sad. I didn't mean to hide it from you, but..."

Cen Zeng just sighed very lightly.

"It's okay," he said. "None of it matters."

"It's just that if I had known earlier, I would have felt a little better," he said calmly. "But anyway, there's no choice."

"What do you mean, there's no choice?" Cheng Shuo looked at him. "I... I'm sorry. But—"

Cen Zeng interrupted him.

"It's more like, if you had told me earlier, I would have been more at ease." He even smiled. "That would have explained a lot of things. It wouldn't have brought about some unnecessary trouble. I could have also faced your inexplicable advances more calmly."

It would be a matter of course, unnecessary, no need to think about where the patience and enthusiasm came from. No need to look down at the wax-sealed letter. And no need to consider just what kind of person Cheng Shuo was.

"At ease about what? At ease that it turns out you just look like someone I chased but failed to get before?"

Cen Zeng didn't speak.

"What trouble? Why is it unnecessary trouble?"

Cheng Shuo was actually a bit angry, and it was unclear who this anger was directed at. Cen Zeng could even read a familiar, helpless pain in it.

Why is there pain everywhere?

"Speak," Cheng Shuo said. "I'm begging you, speak. At ease about what? At ease in thinking that the only reason I approached you was because you look like my White Moonlight.

So you can find an excuse for yourself, accept my sudden goodwill, and stop wondering where all of this came from?"

Does he have to ask today?

Cen Zeng still felt the situation was absurd, an absurdity approaching a despairing joke.

"Do you not trust me at all, or do you not trust your own judgment?"

Cen Zeng was silent for a moment, then humbly asked, "What should I say?"

"You should fly into a rage at me, and then I'll tell you that I actually handled all of this before I met you. I don't like him, I like you."

What a terrible confession. A confession he had never imagined would happen in this scene, at this moment, a despairing confession.

The moment the words left his mouth, he felt it was laughable.

The person being confessed to pursed his lips and shook his head.

Cen Zeng said, "Cheng Shuo, I don't know if I'm angry or not, but I am indeed very sad."

"I can't show it, I'm unaware." He thought for a moment. "I don't have the ability to be highly perceptive of my own emotions. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to take the college entrance exams, go to university, or be a normal person."

At this point, how could he still speak so calmly?

"The reason I say I'm very sad is because I find it hard to think, I don't want to breathe, and I want to find a rope to hang myself on the spot.

I also have that 'as expected' kind of feeling, that good things don't come in pairs and bad things follow one after another. Life is just that laughable, it has never let me off the hook." He tilted his head. "It's too tiring. I can't even be bothered to ask anymore."

"Something else happened too, didn't it?" Cheng Shuo pressed on. "What else is there?"

He always forgot. Seeing Cen Zeng smile, seeing him smile while looking at the letter, seeing him smile while looking at himself. He would always forget just how good this person was at pretending.

First deceiving himself, then deceiving others.

He deceived Cheng Shuo, the person closest to him, to the point that he almost forgot about his laboratory, the high-sounding reasons he found for his own suicide, the reckless suicide note he left behind, the insanely calm note, and the "Quite unnecessary" taunt.

Cen Zeng said, "Why are you... so perceptive?"

"What happened?" he practically roared.

Cen Zeng said, "Relax, it's just my ideals being shattered. My advisor is a scumbag, capable senior brothers and sisters are being oppressed, and I'm being subtly sexually harassed. I don't know if I should be grateful that Li Aimin doesn't seem to be that interested in me.

"But the days after rejecting him will probably be so hard they'll seem laughable.

"So it's okay," Cen Zeng said. "I'm a bit... I don't know how to react."

"You want me to be angry, but I don't quite have it in me to be angry."

If everything is laughable, then everything is just what it is.

"Then can you at least treat our relationship a little more seriously? Don't trample on your own true heart, and don't trample on my true heart?"

Oh, trample.

Cen Zeng took a deep breath. So this was what Cheng Shuo was like when he was angry, hot like a midsummer day that could give you heatstroke at any moment.

Although he didn't even know what the person opposite him was angry about.

"Actually, I probably should be quite angry..." Cen Zeng said. "Because I don't know whether to ask you, do I really look that much like him, so much so that you can transfer your feelings without any hesitation? Or to ask you, what on earth were you thinking, is this fun? Or to ask you, if I'm not a substitute, and it really is a misunderstanding, then what is it that you like about me?"

Such pointed questions.

"I didn't transfer my feelings, I didn't like him, you're not a substitute, I just like you." He took a deep breath, trembling, and asked the next question.

"Where does this low opinion of yourself even come from?" Cheng Shuo said. "You don't open other people's love letters, that's fine. You respond to my attempt to hit on you with 'I'm impotent,' that's also fine. None of that matters, but you... why have you never, ever felt that you deserved to be liked?"

Cen Zeng stood on the spot, motionless.

He had always been like this. The bees and butterflies that his handsome face should have attracted were all strangled by his cold aura.

Then, Cen Zeng hesitated slightly, the smile on his face almost a sneer. "Because of everything that has happened to me?"

Cheng Shuo was suddenly and harshly silenced.

All the words he wanted to say were piled up at this juncture, senselessly washed away by a torrent of emotions. Crushed speechless, unable to question further.

"I'm not someone suited for dating, or for entrusting my true heart to someone," Cen Zeng said. "I've always felt that I don't have any expectations, and nothing really matters. So I don't know why I'm a little angry. There's nothing to be angry about, and getting angry won't lead to any good outcome."

"You ask me why I would trample on your true heart..." Cen Zeng thought for a moment, then said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't want to trample on your true heart. You're very good to me, so good that it's beyond my comprehension. Regardless of where it comes from, I'm very happy, but I have nothing to give.

"I only have some very unsightly pain. Telling you about it will only add to your troubles.

"My true heart is a pile of hazardous waste that even I don't want to look at. Just looking at it annoys me. If you had some other ulterior motive, I would only feel relieved."

He looked down at his own hands. They were very clean, with neatly trimmed nails and all hangnails taken care of—the hands of a medical student.

"I can't give you the reaction you want; I even feel that reacting is a burden. I actually want to jump off this building right now, but from this height, I might not die, and not dying would be very troublesome. I haven't even signed a do-not-resuscitate order."

Cen Zeng stopped here. "So, it's okay. None of it matters. Don't be sad, don't be so unhappy because of me."

"It does matter," Cheng Shuo said. "Who gave you permission to trample on your own true heart? If you feel angry, you should tell me, instead of saying it doesn't matter. Do you really not care?

"Getting harassed by your advisor, finding out the person you have feelings for used to pursue someone who looks a lot like you... you're already thinking about whether to jump off a building or hang yourself, and you're still here saying it doesn't matter?"

What does he mean it's okay? How can he still be telling him not to be unhappy at a time like this? Does he even know how to talk? If he doesn't know how to talk, can't he just not say anything?

It's clearly my fault, so why is this person still trying to comfort me?

Cen Zeng looked at him and asked, "Then what can I do to make you not sad?"

Cheng Shuo felt like his brain was about to explode.

He said, "Take out your hazardous waste and blow up this world with it."

【Author's Note】

Congrats to Xiao Cheng, ha, for getting into a fight with Xiao Cen.

Xiao Cen has only ever argued with you and his mom in this lifetime.